Now that I've decided to reinvent myself as a lifestyle
blogger - after the success of my "21 Reasons Not to Make a Baby" - I
figured it was time to crack on with some more lists: and what better way to
improve them than by testing them on y'all and integrating all the suggestions
and corrections you put forward? (Smart bunch that you are.)
So, here's me next Magnus O'Puss...
THE TOP 10 WORST THINGS ABOUT LIVING IN MEXICO
by Gurnyville O'Dunky
by Gurnyville O'Dunky
BUT FIRST...A DISCLAIMER
But, you know, nowhere's perfect...
#1 THE DOG SITUATION
Have you ever walked through a Mexican town at night? If so,
you'll most likely have encountered what scientists call "a Mexican Woof
Chain" - wherein the first dog's woof stirs the neighbouring dog, which
stirs the next and...so on, for the duration of your whole rotten journey, and
probably well into the night, as the chain travels back and forth like an
endless Mexican Wave.
In short, Mexican dogs bark a lot. And every pinchi casa
just HAS to have one (or three, or six). And Mexican's being a most tolerant
bunch, nobody seems to mind - when the obvious solution is to exterminate the
bloody lot of them.
#2 MEXICAN MUSIC
It's strange to be in Mexico so many years after my first
visit and find that the music is still the same: still this godawful cacophony
of trumpets and tubas and accordions, all blasting out from distorted, farting
speakers never built to handle the volume that's being forced through them;
destroying otherwise tranquil sunny Sunday mornings in nature and in beauty;
and shaking to pieces ramshackle pickups and buses parked under arroyo bridges
while Tecate Light is swilled mere feet away, and all conversation is
presumably rendered an impossible nightmare.
Still, to be fair, the hippest young Mexicans detest all
this...banda, I believe it's called, and don't partake themselves, so there's
perhaps some hope that it'll die out one day.
#3 AMERICANS
Due to geographical proximity, there are a lot of Americans
in Mexico .
'Nuff said.
(Note: most of my favorite people are American - see, I even
used the incorrect spelling of 'favour' there, in 'honor' of them - but I write
this here for the US-hating rest of the world, 'cos I know they like that sort
of thing.)
#4 TRYING TO BUY A CAR
Buying a car in Mexico is a bit of a joke: especially if
you're from somewhere like the UK, where a decent ten-year-old car can be found
for about $500-1000, and something a bit older that still runs fine for as
little as fifty quid.
Not quite the same in Mexico: where 20-year-old cars sell
for up to two thousand bucks; where people ask a thousand dollars for bashed-up
rustbuckets with half the bits missing; and where the chance of finding one
with its paperwork in order - ie, one that doesn't have the licence plates from
some other car and isn't "debe-ing cinco años de revistas" - is a
minefield in itself.
One of the most useful things I've learned: the ubiquitous
"detalles esticos" doesn't mean "a few aesthetic details"
as you or I would take it (eg, a small scratch somewhere, now retouched; or
perhaps the remnants of a coffee stain on one of the seats) - no, it actually
means something like: all the mirrors are broken; the windshield's cracked; the
brakes don't work; none of the electrics are functioning; some of the panels
are dented; the headlights are hanging loose; and the muffler's tied on with a
shoelace, and has a hole in it temporarily covered over with a sock.
To suggest that these things might have been mentioned in
the advert, however, is usually met with bemusement - just as asking how many
miles the car has. Seriously, I've asked that question many times - it's one of
the most important factors when considering buying a car back home - but here
it seems a non-issue. People don't know, and when you ask them to check, they
can't be bothered, or ask you why on earth you'd want to know, just buy it,
solo tiene detalles esteticos, etc.
On the bright side though: cars don't actually cost anything
anyway, other than the difference between what one pays for it and what one
sells it for (ie, depreciation) - which is a situation perhaps improved in
Mexico, given that you can bash your car around a bit, and have parts drop off,
and it'll still maintain most of its value, whereas in England, once it's had
one little smash, or failed its MOT, it basically has no resale value at all,
other than as scrap.
Wahey! One-nil Mexico .
#5 IT'S REALLY HARD TO BUY SHOES
Good luck finding a decent pair of runners if you have a
normal-sized pair of feet like mine (UK
11, US
12) - Mexican men are so generally tiny and small-footed hardly anyone stocks
anything beyond a size 10.
Same thing for a normal-sized pair of jeans - 32 waist, 34
leg - or a hat to fit a normal-sized head (61 cm).
Make sure you bring plenty with you (if you're a
normal-sized man, like me - and especially if you're a giant, like Alex or
Pete).
#6 DISHONESTY
One of the most interesting aspects of Mexican culture is
the ease with which many people seem to lie: as though it hardly means anything
to them at all, and is just a way of life.
The first inkling you might have that this is going on is
when asking for directions - as we all know, no one will say, "I don't
know", but will confidently wave some arms and tell you "para
ya" or "derecho" - and off you go, in completely the wrong
direction, as you sweatily discover twenty minutes later.
We wonder about this and we realise: ah, it's because people
want to be nice, and they want to give us what we want - directions - and they
would feel bad if they let us down.
It's not really lying, we tell ourselves, it's just a
slightly misguided attempt at kindness. Saying "I don't know" would
of course be more useful, but we can see where they're coming from.
Later on, after staying somewhere long enough, and
experiencing more extreme and overt examples of lying, one comes to learn that
dishonesty in Mexico is not
the same as dishonesty in England .
It's not something that people seem to agonise over; that keeps them awake at
night; that haunts their conscience. Nor is it something that appears to
completely destroy trust, or would be expected to do so. It really appears to
flow as naturally as water, and to be no big deal - even when it completely is:
when it involves jobs and relationships and money and feelings, for example.
But, like I say, just a different way of being.
#7 THE GARBAGE SITUATION
This isn't one that bothers me particularly, but I know it
bothers others, so I'll put it here: and that's the sight of beer bottles and
bean cans and old buckets and piles of plastic being strewn around the desert
and countryside, thrown out of car windows, dumped willy-nilly.
There is a lot of garbage in Mexico , and it is a shame and
uglyfying - but, for me, it has mitigating circumstances.
Number one: the way Mexico deals with its garbage is
probably a little bit behind other parts of the world, but is progressing, so
I'd say: give it time. When I first came to Mexico signs in buses said things
like, "don't be a pig, throw your garbage out the window" - and they
don't say that anymore. Now we find at least some attempts to recycle; and lots
of signs saying, "no tire la basura"; and a growing number of people
who wouldn't dream of chucking their empty coke bottle into a bush.
Things are moving. It's not Germany . But then, not many places
are.
Number two: you think people don't throw garbage in your
countries? I've walked along American highways and picked up sacks' worth of
discarded beer cans and plastic bottles. I've seen Canadian hot springs littered with...well, beer cans
and bottles (I can't think of anything else). And if you really want to see
garbage...check out an English park at the end of a roasting summer's day -
particularly one close to a university (the best and brightest, remember).
A diaper and a couple of plastic cups after a twenty-family hot springs weekend? It
don't even compare.
Number three: there are worse types of garbage in the world.
Perhaps it's a bit crappy that little dirt-scrabble Mexican villages just pile
it by the side of the road and burn it - car tires, refrigerators, unburnables
and all - but one thing we don't really find in Mexico is the kind of 'human
garbage' that we see in our countries. And not that I mean "humans that
ARE garbage", but humans that the rest of us have tossed away, discarded,
and treated like trash.
For examples of this, see: downtown Vancouver ;
Los Angeles (something like 40,000 homeless
people there alone); San Francisco 's
civic centre; and a thousand other places besides.
For me, a few beer cans in a bit of desert scraggle while
familes interact happily doesn't really compare to the horror of our
first-world homelessness and mental illness apocalypse.
#8 MEXICAN WOMEN
There are four main problems with Mexican women: the first
is that there are a really disproportionately high number of lovely and
attractive ones - even in a dusty pueblito of fifty people you'll generally
find at least one who could be a model - and that can be mighty distracting;
it's much better somewhere like England (London aside) where one rarely
encounters that issue.
The second problem with Mexican women is that they barely
seem to notice the white guy, even when you'd swear blind the appearance of
such a fellow would at least cause a second glance. But it doesn't. And that's
sad.
The third problem is that, traditionally, they don't take
the initiative - and that's not good for those of us whose idea of making a
move on a woman is to do little more than ever-so subtly create a space for her
to make a move on him.
The fourth problem is that most of them don't speak fluent
English, or have an intimate knowledge of the last thirty years of British comedy
- but I suppose that's understandable.
And, in any case, despite these issues, the positives far
outweigh the negatives. It's just a shame there appears so little interest in
"La Mexicana" to work on said shortcomings.
But, as mentioned elsewhere, perhaps we can give it time,
and all creases will be ironed out in due course.
>>>
That's it. I thought there'd be more, but I could only think
of 8. Indeed, it might be argued that some of them are hardly problems at all -
though that's an issue for debate.
So what do you think? Have me missed anything? Do you agree
with our list? Or do you think we've got it all wrong?
Write us an email at craplists@buzzfeed.com and let us know
your thoughts.
Cheers! 
:)
:)
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