(Not) On The Road Pt 5

1.

Maybe you're thinking you've already read part five
And even part six
But you'd be wrong
That was just a dream
I haven't written anything
Since part four
And that was six days ago

2.

I'm in Mexico City
Staying with a very nice friend
Doing little Mexico City things
Writing a little
But mostly
Going completely out of my head
Trying to figure out my next step
And completely failing at every turn
And I don't even know how I got here
One minute:
Walking in the desert
Hitch-hiking beautiful Mexico
Digging awesome
San Miguel de Allende
And the next:
Here in our nation's capital
Spending hours and hours every day
Perusing plane tickets
And being lost in life's worst limbo:
Not knowing what decision to make
But feeling like I need to make one

3.

Okay
I say "I don't know how I got here"
But that's not strictly true
I had mentioned
The growing thought of England
These past few weeks
And then:
Last Thursday
I wake up in San Miguel
Having had a dream where I'm
Surrounded by 'Chinese' people
(Note: they may not have been Chinese)
And immediately hear
In my own brain
The words
"Go west"
And
Of course
That sends me through a loop
What with being
The Man Who Follows His Dreams
And though I immediately think
It's too mad
I do my
Plane perusing thing
And find flights that go
To China, and then beyond China
For less money than going to China
- For, in fact,
The exact amount of money I have
In my Mexican bank account -
(They're to Malaysia)
And
Also out of nowhere
I remember about three years back
A night in an ashram in
British Columbia
Where
For hour after hour
A word I'd never heard before
Resonated in my brain
And when I looked it up
I found it was:
A town in Ontario
And a region in Malaysia
And a bug is planted

4.

At first
Like I say
I think it's too mad
And think there's no way
I can do it
I think instead about going back to England
And find good tickets for there too
Also departing in less than a week
And something about the whole thing
Gets me moving on down
Mexico City way
Where all the planes go from anyway
And where a friend has offered me a place
There, I figure
I'll be able to work everything out

5.

Such optimism!
It's been the opposite of that
Compulsively checking
Prices
Availability
Route options
Dates
And not knowing which way to go
For while flying to Asia seemed
Initially bonkers
I very quickly warmed to the idea
And was sad when the price went up
And sad when the initial plane departed
Two days ago
And
Likewise
Though England at first seemed sensible
And where I'd thought I was heading towards
I later became
Completely terrified
At the idea of being there
In all that concrete
All that rain
Scowling faces
After happy brown Mexican faces
In the sun
And all this freedom
That I have in this lovely country
(For sure
Another question:
Why leave here
If I love it so much?)
So...
How do you solve a problem like this?
Follow your feelings?
But often
The fearful way
Is the best way
And the comfortable option
The unsatifying one
What about
Follow your dreams?
Well that would indicate China
But then
There's also the rational thought
The intellect
Though that
Only makes decisions
Based on the present and the past
And on what's imaginable and comprehensible
I just didn't know
So I tossed an I Ching
About taking the flight to Kuala Lumpar
And the chapter I got was
Chapter 40: Deliverance
Which at first seemed to be saying
"Go for it!"
(The southwest furthers)
But then mostly felt like
It was talking about
Going 'home':
"A time to return to ordinary conditions
As soon as possible
Don't push things farther than
Is necessary
Returning to the regular order of life
Brings good fortune"
Damn I Ching!
Why couldn't you just have been clear?
(Yes, I hear you snickering
You rational skeptic, you ;-) )
So then I do one for the UK
And get
Chapter 50: The Cauldron
Which seemed to be talking about
Being a part of society
And great success
So I dwell on that for a while
And figure it's saying
"Go home"
And since I trust the I Ching
Pretty much implicitly
For what feels like
Jolly good reasons
To the UK it looks like
I'm going
But why, then
Do I roll around on the floor
Crying at the thought of it
And saying
"No! No! No!
Don't make me go there!"?

6.

Still
On the strength of the I Ching reading
I bought the ticket to England
Not enjoying the idea
But consoling myself with thoughts like
"It's only money"
"It could just be a holiday"
"It might be way better
Than I think"
(The I Ching knows the future;
I don't)
Then -
When trying to buy the connecting flight
To Cancun
Literally one second away from clicking the button
Everything gets messed up
With website failures
And massive price increases
And lack of availability
And I'm back once more
To indecision hell
Frustrated and weirded out
By this latest obstacle
And just leave it
Watch a TV show instead
And go to bed
Where I wake up around 2am
Literally rolling on the floor
Grabbing my head
No possibility of sleep
And saying
Why? Why?
I don't want to go
What have I done?
It's totally in the wrong direction
I'm not following my dreams
Heading east
Not west
And feeling awful
So I get up
Contact the travel agency
And, to my surprise
They tell me I can cancel the ticket
For only 30EUR
And
That feels much better
I have exactly two hours left to decide
Whether to do it

7.

In a nutshell:
Mad times
Here in Mexico City
In indecision hell
Where no words
No advice
No direction
Seems to soothe
Still thinking about Malaysia
Still thinking that England might be good
Still not wanting to leave this country
Still trying to find some
Indication
From Spirit
From my soul
From anywhere, by this point
As to what I should do

8.

Options are:
1. Keep the flight to Manchester
(And hopefully get to Cancun
Okay for it)
2. Cancel it
And book the one to Asia
3. Cancel it
And stay in Mexico
Maybe go to Puerto Vallarta area
- That's west -
The one part of the country
I feel a draw to
But have never visited
(Baja is west also)
4. Cancel it
And just see what happens
And take things as they come
5. Cancel it
And go back to San Miguel de Allende
And rent a room there
And be happy
Try to write
And leave all this movement
For some other day
6. I don't have an option 6
But I think I should
Since that's the number of faces on a dice
And I'm at that stage
So completely befuddled
That I'm ready to
Put my faith in it
(Option 6 could also be:
Wait an hour and a half
And see where you are then
In the meantime
Go meditate in a church
And stop worrying so much)

9.

That's all
Worry not
Even though I sound frantic
I'm still jolly happy
And having a nice time here
With a good friend
Still in lovely Mexico. :)