1.
It's funny how
When I log into facebook
I'm immediately faced with the question
"What's on your mind?"
There is a part of me
That doubts whether
Facebook is asking that
With genuine sincerity
And care
Though I guess the same is often true
Of genuine, meat-made people
So perhaps I shouldn't mind
And, in any case,
It's nice to be asked
And to have it there so open
So purely receptive
So patient and clear
Good old facebook
Good old computer typing
Good old
Imaginary audience
"All ears, like the ears of an elephant"
Hanging on my every word
So...
What is on my mind?
Well...
A million things
(Not really: probably more like seven)
Mostly relating around issues of
Plane tickets and
Where to go and
What to do
Et cetera
After that dream, those words
Of the other night
And how it at first seemed mad
And that I would need more than just that
To get me randomly gallivanting
Across half the world
But then...
I did look for tickets
And, as mentioned,
Found one for five pesos (20p)
Less than I had
In my bank account
And not long after that
Suddenly remembered an odd evening
I had in an ashram in Canada
About three years ago
Where all night long
My brain reverberated
Strange
And weird
With a word I'd never heard before
And when I looked it up the next day
I found it was a region in a country
I'd never thought of visiting
Which, of course,
Is the same country
That I almost thought of flying to
The other day -
And more thoughts too:
Everything seemingly tracing back
And looping around
To the beginning of this mad journey
Which you may not know about
So...
When I log into facebook
I'm immediately faced with the question
"What's on your mind?"
There is a part of me
That doubts whether
Facebook is asking that
With genuine sincerity
And care
Though I guess the same is often true
Of genuine, meat-made people
So perhaps I shouldn't mind
And, in any case,
It's nice to be asked
And to have it there so open
So purely receptive
So patient and clear
Good old facebook
Good old computer typing
Good old
Imaginary audience
"All ears, like the ears of an elephant"
Hanging on my every word
So...
What is on my mind?
Well...
A million things
(Not really: probably more like seven)
Mostly relating around issues of
Plane tickets and
Where to go and
What to do
Et cetera
After that dream, those words
Of the other night
And how it at first seemed mad
And that I would need more than just that
To get me randomly gallivanting
Across half the world
But then...
I did look for tickets
And, as mentioned,
Found one for five pesos (20p)
Less than I had
In my bank account
And not long after that
Suddenly remembered an odd evening
I had in an ashram in Canada
About three years ago
Where all night long
My brain reverberated
Strange
And weird
With a word I'd never heard before
And when I looked it up the next day
I found it was a region in a country
I'd never thought of visiting
Which, of course,
Is the same country
That I almost thought of flying to
The other day -
And more thoughts too:
Everything seemingly tracing back
And looping around
To the beginning of this mad journey
Which you may not know about
So...
2.
A friend commented on this writing the other day
(The form of it, I think)
And I replied something like
"Shall I write the whole book like this?"
(Meaning, in short lines)
And then I waited for her to ask
(She didn't)
"What book?"
To which I would have responded
"'The Man Who Follows His Dreams'
It's about this 37-year-old
English guy
Who's sitting in his apartment in Leeds
Having just finished a Masters'
And wondering what to do next
When he has this extraordinary 'genuine vision'
(The second of five)
Of the word "KORINTH"
Not knowing what it means
So he looks it up
And sees it's a city in Greece
And eventually -
Like nine months later -
Goes there
And wonderful things happen
More dreams
More signs and indicators of the future
And suddenly
After many years of
Normal UK life
He abandons it all
And gets back to living sort of
Spontaneously and in the flow
Moves to another city in England
On nothing more than a feeling
Has a marvellous time
And then
Has more dreams and feelings
And finds himself:
Flying to Canada
Hitchhiking across half the country
In the winter
Without money
And then getting involved
With a girl
And having all sorts of heart things go on
For like six months
And then on another vision and dream
Breaks into America
Crisscrosses the country
Fulfilling all sorts of desires
Shedding tons of attachment
And updating his brain
In often magical ways
And then Mexico
And more and more dreams
And then a wee bit of a fuck up
And then an awful year in England
(Though perhaps "meant to be")
And then back to Mexico
Because of feelings and I Ching
To be a school teacher
To learn a whole bunch of stuff
To fulfill more desires
Shed more attachment
And then..."
Well, yes
Everything I've done
The last
Four and a half years
Mostly already written
In draft/sketch form
(Like this)
And just waiting...
For the time to put it together
And have a satisfactory ending
(Which is thus far eluding me)
And...
Well
That's that bit done
(The form of it, I think)
And I replied something like
"Shall I write the whole book like this?"
(Meaning, in short lines)
And then I waited for her to ask
(She didn't)
"What book?"
To which I would have responded
"'The Man Who Follows His Dreams'
It's about this 37-year-old
English guy
Who's sitting in his apartment in Leeds
Having just finished a Masters'
And wondering what to do next
When he has this extraordinary 'genuine vision'
(The second of five)
Of the word "KORINTH"
Not knowing what it means
So he looks it up
And sees it's a city in Greece
And eventually -
Like nine months later -
Goes there
And wonderful things happen
More dreams
More signs and indicators of the future
And suddenly
After many years of
Normal UK life
He abandons it all
And gets back to living sort of
Spontaneously and in the flow
Moves to another city in England
On nothing more than a feeling
Has a marvellous time
And then
Has more dreams and feelings
And finds himself:
Flying to Canada
Hitchhiking across half the country
In the winter
Without money
And then getting involved
With a girl
And having all sorts of heart things go on
For like six months
And then on another vision and dream
Breaks into America
Crisscrosses the country
Fulfilling all sorts of desires
Shedding tons of attachment
And updating his brain
In often magical ways
And then Mexico
And more and more dreams
And then a wee bit of a fuck up
And then an awful year in England
(Though perhaps "meant to be")
And then back to Mexico
Because of feelings and I Ching
To be a school teacher
To learn a whole bunch of stuff
To fulfill more desires
Shed more attachment
And then..."
Well, yes
Everything I've done
The last
Four and a half years
Mostly already written
In draft/sketch form
(Like this)
And just waiting...
For the time to put it together
And have a satisfactory ending
(Which is thus far eluding me)
And...
Well
That's that bit done
3.
So there's some background of what I've been up to
(If that makes any sense)
And to put into context
Some of the thoughts in my brain
For
The past few weeks
I've been thinking a lot back to Greece
And to when the whole thing began
Feeling a sense of it
Finally coming to an end
Some sort of completion
Some sort of
"Circling around"
And...
Other things besides
The memory of that weird word
That place name
That strange night back in Canada
In April 2014
Back when I was in the middle of
That fairly tumultuous and intense relationship
Pretty much now forgotten
And
Another thing besides
To an earlier time
In December 2013
When I was out in Victoria, BC
Feeling all kinds of things
(Overwhelming things
Emotional things
Confusing things)
And I went one day for a walk in the cold
Wrapped in hat and scarf and big coat
And sat in a tree in a little park and cried
And wondered what the hell was going on
And felt I couldn't do it
(This is in beginning days of the relationship)
(The opening
The vulnerability
The stretching)
And then resolved that I would
And as I sat there in that tree
Hugging its branches
(Tree-hugger that I am)
I may have cried out something like
"What's going on?"
And heard
In reply
"This is your New Life"
(It wouldn't be the first time
A tree has spoken to me
- Or, at least,
That I've heard words
While hugging a tree)
(See:Santa Fe , '99
Which led to "Mount Shasta ")
"New Life..."
I had no idea what it meant
But thought it probably regarded the relationship
And the possibility of
Settling in Canada
Which certainly made sense
And had the prospect of such
Though went nowhere in the end
Then -
A little later on
I was reading a book about Meher Baba
And came across something he called
"The New Life"
Though didn't really think much of it
Except -
These last few days there've been all these thoughts
And it all suddenly makes some kind of sense
His 'New Life'
Was a period of travel
Of wandering
Of being in the flow
And of learning to be
Fully reliant on that thing we call
- I hesitate to type -
"God"
Giving up all hope
All help
All sense of knowing
And comfort
And control
And yet
Remaining cheerful
Throughout it all
And now I wonder...
Is that what I've been up to?
How did I not realise it before?
(Wouldn't it have made it
Easier?)
And in the light of that
If so
Buying that mad plane ticket
Doesn't seem so mad after all
And
Lots of other thoughts besides
(If that makes any sense)
And to put into context
Some of the thoughts in my brain
For
The past few weeks
I've been thinking a lot back to Greece
And to when the whole thing began
Feeling a sense of it
Finally coming to an end
Some sort of completion
Some sort of
"Circling around"
And...
Other things besides
The memory of that weird word
That place name
That strange night back in Canada
In April 2014
Back when I was in the middle of
That fairly tumultuous and intense relationship
Pretty much now forgotten
And
Another thing besides
To an earlier time
In December 2013
When I was out in Victoria, BC
Feeling all kinds of things
(Overwhelming things
Emotional things
Confusing things)
And I went one day for a walk in the cold
Wrapped in hat and scarf and big coat
And sat in a tree in a little park and cried
And wondered what the hell was going on
And felt I couldn't do it
(This is in beginning days of the relationship)
(The opening
The vulnerability
The stretching)
And then resolved that I would
And as I sat there in that tree
Hugging its branches
(Tree-hugger that I am)
I may have cried out something like
"What's going on?"
And heard
In reply
"This is your New Life"
(It wouldn't be the first time
A tree has spoken to me
- Or, at least,
That I've heard words
While hugging a tree)
(See:
Which led to "
"New Life..."
I had no idea what it meant
But thought it probably regarded the relationship
And the possibility of
Settling in Canada
Which certainly made sense
And had the prospect of such
Though went nowhere in the end
Then -
A little later on
I was reading a book about Meher Baba
And came across something he called
"The New Life"
Though didn't really think much of it
Except -
These last few days there've been all these thoughts
And it all suddenly makes some kind of sense
His 'New Life'
Was a period of travel
Of wandering
Of being in the flow
And of learning to be
Fully reliant on that thing we call
- I hesitate to type -
"God"
Giving up all hope
All help
All sense of knowing
And comfort
And control
And yet
Remaining cheerful
Throughout it all
And now I wonder...
Is that what I've been up to?
How did I not realise it before?
(Wouldn't it have made it
Easier?)
And in the light of that
If so
Buying that mad plane ticket
Doesn't seem so mad after all
And
Lots of other thoughts besides
4.
By now, of course
I should have probably started a blog
If I'm really so hell bent on
Sharing my private thoughts in public
Is facebook really the place for this?
For revealing one's inner-being
In a realm where people much prefer
Cat videos
And all it really is anyway
Is a good way to keep in touch
A convenient address book
And for the sharing of light stuff
Like holiday snaps?
I shudder to think
What my oldSouth Elmsall friends
Make of such madness
Or my new young Cabo 'friends'
Or...
It's the skeptics' voices I hear
In my head
When I type
Which is sort of a shame
But -
Thing is
I like to write
And I like to share
Because something about it helps me move on
And find my answers
And
Like I've typed at least three times in recent weeks
"Clear the pipes"
Plus -
Probably I shouldn't worry
'Cos people who think it's bonkers
Don't read it
(And even good friends give up
A fraction of the way through)
So...
Waffle waffle
Point is I get embarrassed sometimes
By the things I care about most
And do worry a little about the way I live
Which leads to...
I should have probably started a blog
If I'm really so hell bent on
Sharing my private thoughts in public
Is facebook really the place for this?
For revealing one's inner-being
In a realm where people much prefer
Cat videos
And all it really is anyway
Is a good way to keep in touch
A convenient address book
And for the sharing of light stuff
Like holiday snaps?
I shudder to think
What my old
Make of such madness
Or my new young Cabo 'friends'
Or...
It's the skeptics' voices I hear
In my head
When I type
Which is sort of a shame
But -
Thing is
I like to write
And I like to share
Because something about it helps me move on
And find my answers
And
Like I've typed at least three times in recent weeks
"Clear the pipes"
Plus -
Probably I shouldn't worry
'Cos people who think it's bonkers
Don't read it
(And even good friends give up
A fraction of the way through)
So...
Waffle waffle
Point is I get embarrassed sometimes
By the things I care about most
And do worry a little about the way I live
Which leads to...
5.
I was thinking about this so-called "New Life"
And what is it in me that
Hesitates from fully abandoning
The world (and all that jazz)
And I think part of it is because
Well, not because flying to unknown countries
On the strength of dreams and whims
Scares me
Or feels like anything weird
But that I question whether
There isn't something better I could be doing with my time
Fact is:
I've got a good brain
A good face and body
Smarts and talents and abilities
And everything it takes to make it
In the world I grew up in
In short:
If career and money and house and woman
Was what interested me
I could have all those things, no problem
It's not like
There's nothing to turn my back on
And in a lot of ways I wonder
If that path wouldn't be better trod
And perhaps more satisfying, in the end
(And, more importantly
Perhaps the path I'm 'supposed' to be on)
(That awful word: 'supposed')
But...
Other thing is
I've dabbled in all that
Given it a fairly decent try
Don't seem all that interested
And don't find it very much to my satisfaction
(In a nutshell: get unhappy
Go crazy
And leave)
And...
And what is it in me that
Hesitates from fully abandoning
The world (and all that jazz)
And I think part of it is because
Well, not because flying to unknown countries
On the strength of dreams and whims
Scares me
Or feels like anything weird
But that I question whether
There isn't something better I could be doing with my time
Fact is:
I've got a good brain
A good face and body
Smarts and talents and abilities
And everything it takes to make it
In the world I grew up in
In short:
If career and money and house and woman
Was what interested me
I could have all those things, no problem
It's not like
There's nothing to turn my back on
And in a lot of ways I wonder
If that path wouldn't be better trod
And perhaps more satisfying, in the end
(And, more importantly
Perhaps the path I'm 'supposed' to be on)
(That awful word: 'supposed')
But...
Other thing is
I've dabbled in all that
Given it a fairly decent try
Don't seem all that interested
And don't find it very much to my satisfaction
(In a nutshell: get unhappy
Go crazy
And leave)
And...
6.
That dream I had the other day
I was in China
Surrounded by Chinese people
And the words I heard upon awakening
Were "Go West"
And China is of course west of here
So I looked at tickets
And they weren't mad expensive
And then I found tickets to other places
To Japan, to Malaysia
That went THROUGH China
That were basically the same flight
But with a bit extra added on
That were even less
Those were the ones that matched my bank account
Then I realised two things:
Number one,
I would need a visa for China
Unless I was merely transiting
And, number two,
Because I'm a massive racist
When in a dream I see
Oriental faces
I automatically go
"Oh, they're Chinese"
When I suppose, really
They could have been
Any number of nationality
So...
It was a little after that that I remembered the word from
That ashram night
Three years ago
And the word was:
"Sarawak"
A region ofMalaysia
And I started to seriously consider it
And even came to finally figuring
"Why the hell not?"
Only thing is now -
The plane ticket
(The flight leaves tomorrow)
Has gone up nearly a thousand pesos
And not that I don't still have another thousand pesos
But it offends my sense of frugality
And also my sense of "what's meant to be"
To buy a plane ticket
That's risen in price
Especially when the whole venture
Is based on something so tenuous
As a whim
And yet...
What if this is the sign?
What if this is the test?
To see if I really am
"The Man Who Follows His Dreams"
The an who
Trusts in 'Spirit'
Shuns normality
Laughs in the face of fear
And does what needs to be done
Rather than what feels safe?
Well...
In this moment...
I am more
"The man who won't buy a plane ticket
That has risen 10% in price"
And also:
"The man who has to think about
Whether flying toMalaysia
Might not just be a bit daft
When it'sEngland
that's been so clearler
Beckoning in recent weeks"
So...
I was in China
Surrounded by Chinese people
And the words I heard upon awakening
Were "Go West"
And China is of course west of here
So I looked at tickets
And they weren't mad expensive
And then I found tickets to other places
To Japan, to Malaysia
That went THROUGH China
That were basically the same flight
But with a bit extra added on
That were even less
Those were the ones that matched my bank account
Then I realised two things:
Number one,
I would need a visa for China
Unless I was merely transiting
And, number two,
Because I'm a massive racist
When in a dream I see
Oriental faces
I automatically go
"Oh, they're Chinese"
When I suppose, really
They could have been
Any number of nationality
So...
It was a little after that that I remembered the word from
That ashram night
Three years ago
And the word was:
"Sarawak"
A region of
And I started to seriously consider it
And even came to finally figuring
"Why the hell not?"
Only thing is now -
The plane ticket
(The flight leaves tomorrow)
Has gone up nearly a thousand pesos
And not that I don't still have another thousand pesos
But it offends my sense of frugality
And also my sense of "what's meant to be"
To buy a plane ticket
That's risen in price
Especially when the whole venture
Is based on something so tenuous
As a whim
And yet...
What if this is the sign?
What if this is the test?
To see if I really am
"The Man Who Follows His Dreams"
The an who
Trusts in 'Spirit'
Shuns normality
Laughs in the face of fear
And does what needs to be done
Rather than what feels safe?
Well...
In this moment...
I am more
"The man who won't buy a plane ticket
That has risen 10% in price"
And also:
"The man who has to think about
Whether flying to
Might not just be a bit daft
When it's
Beckoning in recent weeks"
So...
7.
England'll always be there
And England was dreadful (for me)
The last time I was there
(My eyesight even went bad
To the extent that I had to get some contact lenses
Only returning to normal
Once I came back to Mexico)
And -
It's not like I can't fly there from Asia
And all that gets lost is time and money
And wasn't I just saying how
Feeling like I wanted to go home
Was often nothing more than
An indicator
That I'd reached the end of a journey
That I was ready for something
Totally new, and totally unforeseen?
(The Ranch, in 1998
Going to Mexico for the first time
Later on that year
And returning to Charlottesville in '99)
But what if...
There's a reason to go back
Something waiting for me there
Something unforeseen too?
You see my dilemma
8.
Peony was right
I should have done an I Ching
But too late now
What with the price rise and all
(wink wink)
I should have done an I Ching
But too late now
What with the price rise and all
(wink wink)
9.
And also:
How annoying
This world of plane tickets
So much easier
When travelling overland
To turn back
To change one's mind
To feel the moment
To never have to plan ahead
All those times talking to travel agents
And booking a ticket to somewhere
And having them ask
"And when do you want to come back?"
And me thinking
"How on earth should I know?
I haven't even got there yet"
Oh, for it to be like a bus
Just turn up and buy
And get off if it feels wrong
And not be five thousand miles away
And massively poorer
The next chance you get
To make a choice
How annoying
This world of plane tickets
So much easier
When travelling overland
To turn back
To change one's mind
To feel the moment
To never have to plan ahead
All those times talking to travel agents
And booking a ticket to somewhere
And having them ask
"And when do you want to come back?"
And me thinking
"How on earth should I know?
I haven't even got there yet"
Oh, for it to be like a bus
Just turn up and buy
And get off if it feels wrong
And not be five thousand miles away
And massively poorer
The next chance you get
To make a choice
10.
You know what?
If, the next time I check the price of the ticket
It's gone back to what it was
To what I have in my bank account
I'll buy it
I'll take it as a sign
Some sort of miracle
And jet my way to
Vancouver
Guangzhou
And Kuala Lumpur
Departing tomorrow
And get rid of most of my stuff
And just have my tiny backpack
And throw myself in the river
And, hopefully
Be more in the flow than ever
Though, more likely
I'll board a plane to Manchester
And get off in the English grey
And blink unbelievingly
At all the concrete and scowling faces
And cry some tears
And wonder about the Mexican desert
And feel completely lost and sad
Though -
Wouldn't England actually be
More unknown
Given my expectations
And the way expectations are usually
Completely wrong?
And wouldn't wide-eyed travel
In some far-flung country
Be more known
And safer in some ways?
All that
Not having to do anything
Except move
From place to place
And have brief interactions
And eat things I've never eaten before?
Like I said...
Probably only I Ching
Can solve a problem like Rory...
If, the next time I check the price of the ticket
It's gone back to what it was
To what I have in my bank account
I'll buy it
I'll take it as a sign
Some sort of miracle
And jet my way to
Vancouver
Guangzhou
And Kuala Lumpur
Departing tomorrow
And get rid of most of my stuff
And just have my tiny backpack
And throw myself in the river
And, hopefully
Be more in the flow than ever
Though, more likely
I'll board a plane to Manchester
And get off in the English grey
And blink unbelievingly
At all the concrete and scowling faces
And cry some tears
And wonder about the Mexican desert
And feel completely lost and sad
Though -
Wouldn't England actually be
More unknown
Given my expectations
And the way expectations are usually
Completely wrong?
And wouldn't wide-eyed travel
In some far-flung country
Be more known
And safer in some ways?
All that
Not having to do anything
Except move
From place to place
And have brief interactions
And eat things I've never eaten before?
Like I said...
Probably only I Ching
Can solve a problem like Rory...
11.
The price just fell
Two percent
It's
A start...
Two percent
It's
A start...
12.
I know I'm strange
And I live a strange life
And I think too much
And I'm not very good at
Taking decisions
And that this
Compulsion to type out my thoughts
And share them here
Is probably even weirder
Than the thoughts themselves
And I'm dubious that it makes any sense whatsoever
To more than a handful of people
But still I type
'Cos the typing makes me feel good
And I wouldn't trade my life
With anyone's on earth
Unless I met someone
Who was genuinely happier than I am
And genuinely knew
What the eff is going on
And I live a strange life
And I think too much
And I'm not very good at
Taking decisions
And that this
Compulsion to type out my thoughts
And share them here
Is probably even weirder
Than the thoughts themselves
And I'm dubious that it makes any sense whatsoever
To more than a handful of people
But still I type
'Cos the typing makes me feel good
And I wouldn't trade my life
With anyone's on earth
Unless I met someone
Who was genuinely happier than I am
And genuinely knew
What the eff is going on
No comments:
Post a Comment