(Kind Of) On The Road Pt 6

1.

That was a bit of a
Mad 48 hours
Woke up in Mexico City
Metro to the airport
(Only 5 pesos!)
And then a flight to Merida
A bus to Chichen Itza
A bus to Valladolid
A bus to Playa del Carmen
A night there
A bus to Puerto Morelos
A bus to Cancun airport
A flight to Manchester
A train into the city
A train to Leeds
A couple of hours there
And then a train to London
And a tube to Balham
Which is where I am now

2.

So last thing I wrote
I was in Mexico City
Trying to work out what to do
Whether to
Fly to UK
Fly to Asia
Stay in Mexico
Or maybe something else
Having actually bought a ticket
From Cancun to Manchester
But feeling jolly rotten about it
And having learned I could cancel it
For just 30 euros
And maybe thinking about rolling a dice
So lost was I
With the indecision of it all but -
In the end...
I decided it was obviously right to cancel the ticket
Given my thoughts and feelings around it
And was about to hit send on the email
When I figured to do one more I Ching
And received a chapter that was kind of indifferent
But contained the poignant changing line:
"It furthers one to cross the great water"
I figure it don't get much clearer than that
And ignore my feelings
Ignore my desires
Ignore my fears
And stick with my ticket
Neither feeling good about it
Nor liking the idea of it
But -
If I've learned one thing in life
It's that the I Ching knows things I don't
And when I follow it
Life works out well
And when I go against it
Things go bad
(Is that one thing?
Or three things?)
Meanwhile
I'm still wishing I'd just bought the ticket to Asia
While also wishing I'd just let
That dream
Those words
Sit with me
And feel what comes
Rather than rushing to the comp
Investigating tickets and destinations
And thus solidifying the idea in my brain
And creating one more itch
I just know I'll have to scratch
Just
"A man who has ideas
And feels compelled to live them"
But -
Is it like hamburgers or beer?
Each idea
One step closer
To the last?
And -
What about the idea
To have no ideas
To go beyond them
To transcend?
Isn't that just an idea
Too?

3.

So I left Mexico City
Not really wanting to
And got a flight to Merida
A city I'd long heard was nice
And felt some attraction to
(Probably some long ago
Travel book I read
Talking about hammocks
Or something)
And found -
Not much, really
Just another typical
Tumbledown Mexico city
A plaza
The second oldest cathedral
In the Americas
(Completed 1598)
A bunch of shops
(Is the world really
Just people selling stuff?)
And also locals
Wearing weirdly offensive t-shirts
One kid's says
"Fuck off!"
On woman's says
"Bastardo!"
And another's says
"Get lost!"
And so I do
Hit the bus station
After about thirty minutes
(Long enough)
And jump on a 3-hour coach
To go dig the big pyramid
At Chichen Itza

4.

When my visiting English friends were here
They'd amusingly renamed Chichen Itza
"Chicken Itza"
Which is pretty hilarious
When you think about it
But when I got there
I instantly realised
The name should be
"Shitchen Itza"
(Or, if you want to be
Completely ludicrous:
"Shitchen Shitza")
In a nutshell:
It was shit
It had all the allure of a parking lot
A parking lot filled with tourists
And not just any old tourists
But
American tourists
The worst kind of tourists
Again:
It was akin to
The last hour of a car boot sale
Peddlars packing up their tat
While bored crowds meander aimlessly
Across a scraggly field
Which
Incidentally
Had a rather large pile of stones
In the middle of it
Ha hum
Big deal
So what
I was done within five minutes
But I figured I'd better stay at least an hour
Try to get something out of
My exorbitant entrance fee
(242 pesos!)
And
Eventually did
Here are the three best things about
Chicken Itza:
1. The toilets were really good
- Especially because I really wanted to go -
And at least they didn't charge for those
(They had wanted
100 pesos
For me to leave my wheely case
Which I instead
Took round with me)
2. Near the exit there was a mango tree
Which I climbed
Shook the branches of
Smiled heartily as mangoes fell
And ate about five
And bagged several more
And gave a bunch away
Meanwhile
A worker there hilariously shouted over
In a great voice all Americanized
As though coming through a megaphone
"Sir!
Step away from the mangoes!"
We laughed and waved
And then he later told me
"You're lucky the officials were somewhere else
It's a federal offence
To take those mangoes
You would have been in big trouble"
3. At the last moment
Before paying my entrance fee
I saw a sign talking about discount
And realised my
Temporary Resident card
Qualified me for
33% off
Those are the best three things
About
Shitchen Itza
(Problem is
Of course
I'd already been to Palenque)

5.

So I exited there
Jumped on a bus
Headed to Valladolid
And thought about staying the night there
For about sixty seconds
But instead jumped on another bus
Destined for Playa del Carmen
(Two more hours)
Which I'd remembered as a
Sedate sister
To crappy Cancun
But remembered wrongly
Discovering
Clubs and bars and
Pumping music and
Flashing lights
And
Simply got a hostel bed
Went looking for fish tacos
Found none
And ended up eating
Ritz crackers and Philadelphia
Bought at Wal-Mart
Which I thought was kind of fitting
Given that was pretty much how
The trip began
And also kind of fitting
That it should end in such a way
With everything falling
Everything breaking
No solid poos
In three solid days
Tired and worn
Sweating in dirty clothes
Shoes and jeans on last legs
Unable to be replaced
Dragging around
That desert-battered wheely case
But grateful, nonetheless, for
A non-awesome finale
Which makes the leaving
All the easier

6.

I slept wonderful in the hostel
A room all to myself
Some freshly-purchased earplugs
An extra doze in the morning
And then I figured
With a few hours to kill
I would take a bus half-way to the airport
And maybe check out somewhere
Smaller
Pleasanter
Somewhere I could
Dip my toes in the Caribbean
And feel chill and good
Before el aeropuerto
So I bused it to
Puerto Morelos
And found
The bus didn't go into town
It just stayed by the highway
Where the traffic roared
And everything stunk
Of sewers
But at least there was a Chedraui
Where I could waste my last pesos
On snacks for the plane
And a whole stash of
Canned chipotle
To deliver to the folks back home
And yet more
Fittingness

7.

So!
To the airport
Weirdly
For me
Two hours early
Loads of time
To sit on the floor and
Guzzle my
900 grams of yoghurt
That I'd forgotten
Wouldn't make it through security
And then
When I do go through security
They tell me I can't take the chipotle
(Goddamn!
I forgot about that too!)
(But, apparently
8 metal tent pegs
Perfectly adequate weapons
Are fine)
And so I go back to check-in
Find it closed
And then give it to some guy
Who's happy for the
Random chipotle gift
Then
Back through security
Back to the plane
Where I hear my name called
As people are boarding
And go find out what for
And they say
"You haven't been to immigration
You can't get on the flight"
I say
"I don't need to
I'm a resident"
But -
Apparently that don't make no difference
I still need my bit of paper
So
I say I'll go get it
And they say
"There's no time
You can't get on the flight"
Immediately, head whirls
And all the thoughts happen in an instant:
Why didn't they say something before?
What kind of system allowed me this far
Before the flag was raised?
Is this my ticket out
Of going to England?
Of going to Asia instead?
But -
All that money spent
All the effort in getting this far
I don't want to lose that
Then -
Action
These guys just want to talk
Just want to explain
Say there's no time
But we're taking time
Talking
And there's always time
Where planes are concerned
So I say:
"Lessgo! Stop talking! Give me
Five minutes!"
And leave my bags
- Ha! -
And sprint back past
All the gates
Back through
Duty-free
Back through
Security
- No waiting
No explaining -
And down the stairs
Back past where I
Ate and spilled my yoghurt
And into immigration
Filled out the form
Sweated something about
"Emergencia"
While the immigration lady
Sat laconic and bored
On her phone
Helping not
But
I got the stamp
Got the
Bit of paper
(No money spent)
(Which I didn't have)
And sprinted back to the plane
(What fun
Legitimately sprinting through an airport)
(Except for the belly full of yoghurt
On a three day squishy stomach)
And
Of course
The plane's still there
And I get on it
To a hero's welcome
Or perhaps
Glares at having been made to wait
Or
Perhaps
Total indifference
Sweating
And queasy
And
I guess
With a sign that
I did want to fly to England after all
Or
At least
That I really didn't want to have to
Lose all my
Money

8.

The plane ride's nice
I've got two seats to myself
There are a couple of good movies
The hostesses are lovely
(I swear they're always
Especially lovely
To me)
And not even any crying babies
I sleep not
I sit in that tube
And nine hours later
I get out at Manchester

9.

Flying somewhere, I feel
Is the best way to get a taste
For a country
And for where you've just been
I remember flying to Spain
Two years ago
After two years in North America
And finding it so
Incredibly sophisticated
Intellectual
And cultured
And I remember flying back to England
After a couple of months in China
And thinking everyone looked so
Stressed out
Miserable
And had incredibly large noses
(If you don't know this
That's the Chinese nickname for us:
"Big-nose")
This time...
This time I think
Gargh
English people are so
Gormless
So ugly
So apparently determined
To dress horribly
Paint their faces
And do their hair
In uglyfying ways
And so pasty looking
With skin so white
It's almost grey
And I realise
Just how much I'm going to miss
All those
Lovely brown cleavages
All that lovely Mexican hair
But, then again -
I have to remember
This is an airport
This is a tourist flight
For people who wanted to go to Cancun
So, I shouldn't be so quick to judge
I mean
They're probably mostly
Working class
(Ha!)
And
Above all
It's the north of England
It's Lancashire
Things'll get better
Once I get to Leeds
And
In any case
More than any of that
Things are surprisingly good
I'm not aching for Mexico
I'm not weirded out by anything
Mostly just happy
To see all the green and the trees
And marvelling at how clean everything looks
How smooth
The tarmac on the roads
All the shining new cars
And in what an orderly fashion
Everything
Moves

10.

A train into town
Where I think about going to the Arena
And saying a prayer
But can't quite face the city
So instead go straight to Leeds
And enjoy the Pennine scenery
Lovely hills and fields
Stone walls
And everything so vibrantly green
And pretty
And once more back in Leeds station
Where I've been
Ten thousand times
From right back thirty years ago
And everything's completely normal
Not jarring
Mexico faded like a dream
All those months and experiences
Only twelve hours behind me
I walk the familiar streets
Go to my dad's shop
Which is now a bar
And my dad's sold up
And retired
And hang out with his
Now ex-business partner for a few hours
And chat this and that
Looking on at my former promised inheritance
And happy to see how much it's improved
Then -
The lovely fast train to London
Where I finally sleep
For about twenty-five minutes
As we pass through
Wakefield and South Elmsall
The places where I grew up
And went to school
And past a million more
Lovely fields and trees
And emerge once again into
King's Cross sunshine
Get on a tube
And have it reinforced again
That pretty much all the pretty women in England
Are down in London
And probably most of them
Aren't English

11.

And so
There you have it
Journey over
A weirdly quick denouement
To what might have been
Many more months of gadding
And felt like it could have been
When I was standing alone in the Mexican desert
All those thousands of miles away
Barely a week ago
And yet -
I'm sure there's more to come
Perhaps in the
Very near future
All these adventures
"Only just begun"
And
Certainly not the end for
"The Man Who Follows His Dreams"
(As they sang in the grocery store
While I sadly contemplated
Not having bought that ticket to Asia:
"Hey now
Hey now
Don't dream
It's over")
(And
As I dreamed in Mexico City
After not cancelling the Manchester ticket
Where I was on a train in England
And missed my stop
(Some people were blocking the doors)
But at the next station
The driver stopped a train going the other way
And allowed me to cross over
And get on that one
So I could go back
On track)

12.

The I Ching knows;
You'll see ;)

(Not) On The Road Pt 5

1.

Maybe you're thinking you've already read part five
And even part six
But you'd be wrong
That was just a dream
I haven't written anything
Since part four
And that was six days ago

2.

I'm in Mexico City
Staying with a very nice friend
Doing little Mexico City things
Writing a little
But mostly
Going completely out of my head
Trying to figure out my next step
And completely failing at every turn
And I don't even know how I got here
One minute:
Walking in the desert
Hitch-hiking beautiful Mexico
Digging awesome
San Miguel de Allende
And the next:
Here in our nation's capital
Spending hours and hours every day
Perusing plane tickets
And being lost in life's worst limbo:
Not knowing what decision to make
But feeling like I need to make one

3.

Okay
I say "I don't know how I got here"
But that's not strictly true
I had mentioned
The growing thought of England
These past few weeks
And then:
Last Thursday
I wake up in San Miguel
Having had a dream where I'm
Surrounded by 'Chinese' people
(Note: they may not have been Chinese)
And immediately hear
In my own brain
The words
"Go west"
And
Of course
That sends me through a loop
What with being
The Man Who Follows His Dreams
And though I immediately think
It's too mad
I do my
Plane perusing thing
And find flights that go
To China, and then beyond China
For less money than going to China
- For, in fact,
The exact amount of money I have
In my Mexican bank account -
(They're to Malaysia)
And
Also out of nowhere
I remember about three years back
A night in an ashram in
British Columbia
Where
For hour after hour
A word I'd never heard before
Resonated in my brain
And when I looked it up
I found it was:
A town in Ontario
And a region in Malaysia
And a bug is planted

4.

At first
Like I say
I think it's too mad
And think there's no way
I can do it
I think instead about going back to England
And find good tickets for there too
Also departing in less than a week
And something about the whole thing
Gets me moving on down
Mexico City way
Where all the planes go from anyway
And where a friend has offered me a place
There, I figure
I'll be able to work everything out

5.

Such optimism!
It's been the opposite of that
Compulsively checking
Prices
Availability
Route options
Dates
And not knowing which way to go
For while flying to Asia seemed
Initially bonkers
I very quickly warmed to the idea
And was sad when the price went up
And sad when the initial plane departed
Two days ago
And
Likewise
Though England at first seemed sensible
And where I'd thought I was heading towards
I later became
Completely terrified
At the idea of being there
In all that concrete
All that rain
Scowling faces
After happy brown Mexican faces
In the sun
And all this freedom
That I have in this lovely country
(For sure
Another question:
Why leave here
If I love it so much?)
So...
How do you solve a problem like this?
Follow your feelings?
But often
The fearful way
Is the best way
And the comfortable option
The unsatifying one
What about
Follow your dreams?
Well that would indicate China
But then
There's also the rational thought
The intellect
Though that
Only makes decisions
Based on the present and the past
And on what's imaginable and comprehensible
I just didn't know
So I tossed an I Ching
About taking the flight to Kuala Lumpar
And the chapter I got was
Chapter 40: Deliverance
Which at first seemed to be saying
"Go for it!"
(The southwest furthers)
But then mostly felt like
It was talking about
Going 'home':
"A time to return to ordinary conditions
As soon as possible
Don't push things farther than
Is necessary
Returning to the regular order of life
Brings good fortune"
Damn I Ching!
Why couldn't you just have been clear?
(Yes, I hear you snickering
You rational skeptic, you ;-) )
So then I do one for the UK
And get
Chapter 50: The Cauldron
Which seemed to be talking about
Being a part of society
And great success
So I dwell on that for a while
And figure it's saying
"Go home"
And since I trust the I Ching
Pretty much implicitly
For what feels like
Jolly good reasons
To the UK it looks like
I'm going
But why, then
Do I roll around on the floor
Crying at the thought of it
And saying
"No! No! No!
Don't make me go there!"?

6.

Still
On the strength of the I Ching reading
I bought the ticket to England
Not enjoying the idea
But consoling myself with thoughts like
"It's only money"
"It could just be a holiday"
"It might be way better
Than I think"
(The I Ching knows the future;
I don't)
Then -
When trying to buy the connecting flight
To Cancun
Literally one second away from clicking the button
Everything gets messed up
With website failures
And massive price increases
And lack of availability
And I'm back once more
To indecision hell
Frustrated and weirded out
By this latest obstacle
And just leave it
Watch a TV show instead
And go to bed
Where I wake up around 2am
Literally rolling on the floor
Grabbing my head
No possibility of sleep
And saying
Why? Why?
I don't want to go
What have I done?
It's totally in the wrong direction
I'm not following my dreams
Heading east
Not west
And feeling awful
So I get up
Contact the travel agency
And, to my surprise
They tell me I can cancel the ticket
For only 30EUR
And
That feels much better
I have exactly two hours left to decide
Whether to do it

7.

In a nutshell:
Mad times
Here in Mexico City
In indecision hell
Where no words
No advice
No direction
Seems to soothe
Still thinking about Malaysia
Still thinking that England might be good
Still not wanting to leave this country
Still trying to find some
Indication
From Spirit
From my soul
From anywhere, by this point
As to what I should do

8.

Options are:
1. Keep the flight to Manchester
(And hopefully get to Cancun
Okay for it)
2. Cancel it
And book the one to Asia
3. Cancel it
And stay in Mexico
Maybe go to Puerto Vallarta area
- That's west -
The one part of the country
I feel a draw to
But have never visited
(Baja is west also)
4. Cancel it
And just see what happens
And take things as they come
5. Cancel it
And go back to San Miguel de Allende
And rent a room there
And be happy
Try to write
And leave all this movement
For some other day
6. I don't have an option 6
But I think I should
Since that's the number of faces on a dice
And I'm at that stage
So completely befuddled
That I'm ready to
Put my faith in it
(Option 6 could also be:
Wait an hour and a half
And see where you are then
In the meantime
Go meditate in a church
And stop worrying so much)

9.

That's all
Worry not
Even though I sound frantic
I'm still jolly happy
And having a nice time here
With a good friend
Still in lovely Mexico. :)

(Not) On The Road Pt 6

1.

It's funny how
When I log into facebook
I'm immediately faced with the question
"What's on your mind?"
There is a part of me
That doubts whether
Facebook is asking that
With genuine sincerity
And care
Though I guess the same is often true
Of genuine, meat-made people
So perhaps I shouldn't mind
And, in any case,
It's nice to be asked
And to have it there so open
So purely receptive
So patient and clear
Good old facebook
Good old computer typing
Good old
Imaginary audience
"All ears, like the ears of an elephant"
Hanging on my every word
So...
What is on my mind?
Well...
A million things
(Not really: probably more like seven)
Mostly relating around issues of
Plane tickets and
Where to go and
What to do
Et cetera
After that dream, those words
Of the other night
And how it at first seemed mad
And that I would need more than just that
To get me randomly gallivanting
Across half the world
But then...
I did look for tickets
And, as mentioned,
Found one for five pesos (20p)
Less than I had
In my bank account
And not long after that
Suddenly remembered an odd evening
I had in an ashram in Canada
About three years ago
Where all night long
My brain reverberated
Strange
And weird
With a word I'd never heard before
And when I looked it up the next day
I found it was a region in a country
I'd never thought of visiting
Which, of course,
Is the same country
That I almost thought of flying to
The other day -
And more thoughts too:
Everything seemingly tracing back
And looping around
To the beginning of this mad journey
Which you may not know about
So...

2.

A friend commented on this writing the other day
(The form of it, I think)
And I replied something like
"Shall I write the whole book like this?"
(Meaning, in short lines)
And then I waited for her to ask
(She didn't)
"What book?"
To which I would have responded
"'The Man Who Follows His Dreams'
It's about this 37-year-old
English guy
Who's sitting in his apartment in Leeds
Having just finished a Masters'
And wondering what to do next
When he has this extraordinary 'genuine vision'
(The second of five)
Of the word "KORINTH"
Not knowing what it means
So he looks it up
And sees it's a city in Greece
And eventually -
Like nine months later -
Goes there
And wonderful things happen
More dreams
More signs and indicators of the future
And suddenly
After many years of
Normal UK life
He abandons it all
And gets back to living sort of
Spontaneously and in the flow
Moves to another city in England
On nothing more than a feeling
Has a marvellous time
And then
Has more dreams and feelings
And finds himself:
Flying to Canada
Hitchhiking across half the country
In the winter
Without money
And then getting involved
With a girl
And having all sorts of heart things go on
For like six months
And then on another vision and dream
Breaks into America
Crisscrosses the country
Fulfilling all sorts of desires
Shedding tons of attachment
And updating his brain
In often magical ways
And then Mexico
And more and more dreams
And then a wee bit of a fuck up
And then an awful year in England
(Though perhaps "meant to be")
And then back to Mexico
Because of feelings and I Ching
To be a school teacher
To learn a whole bunch of stuff
To fulfill more desires
Shed more attachment
And then..."
Well, yes
Everything I've done
The last
Four and a half years
Mostly already written
In draft/sketch form
(Like this)
And just waiting...
For the time to put it together
And have a satisfactory ending
(Which is thus far eluding me)
And...
Well
That's that bit done

3.

So there's some background of what I've been up to
(If that makes any sense)
And to put into context
Some of the thoughts in my brain
For
The past few weeks
I've been thinking a lot back to Greece
And to when the whole thing began
Feeling a sense of it
Finally coming to an end
Some sort of completion
Some sort of
"Circling around"
And...
Other things besides
The memory of that weird word
That place name
That strange night back in Canada
In April 2014
Back when I was in the middle of
That fairly tumultuous and intense relationship
Pretty much now forgotten
And
Another thing besides
To an earlier time
In December 2013
When I was out in Victoria, BC
Feeling all kinds of things
(Overwhelming things
Emotional things
Confusing things)
And I went one day for a walk in the cold
Wrapped in hat and scarf and big coat
And sat in a tree in a little park and cried
And wondered what the hell was going on
And felt I couldn't do it
(This is in beginning days of the relationship)
(The opening
The vulnerability
The stretching)
And then resolved that I would
And as I sat there in that tree
Hugging its branches
(Tree-hugger that I am)
I may have cried out something like
"What's going on?"
And heard
In reply
"This is your New Life"
(It wouldn't be the first time
A tree has spoken to me
- Or, at least,
That I've heard words
While hugging a tree)
(See: Santa Fe, '99
Which led to "Mount Shasta")
"New Life..."
I had no idea what it meant
But thought it probably regarded the relationship
And the possibility of
Settling in Canada
Which certainly made sense
And had the prospect of such
Though went nowhere in the end
Then -
A little later on
I was reading a book about Meher Baba
And came across something he called
"The New Life"
Though didn't really think much of it
Except -
These last few days there've been all these thoughts
And it all suddenly makes some kind of sense
His 'New Life'
Was a period of travel
Of wandering
Of being in the flow
And of learning to be
Fully reliant on that thing we call
- I hesitate to type -
"God"
Giving up all hope
All help
All sense of knowing
And comfort
And control
And yet
Remaining cheerful
Throughout it all
And now I wonder...
Is that what I've been up to?
How did I not realise it before?
(Wouldn't it have made it
Easier?)
And in the light of that
If so
Buying that mad plane ticket
Doesn't seem so mad after all
And
Lots of other thoughts besides

4.

By now, of course
I should have probably started a blog
If I'm really so hell bent on
Sharing my private thoughts in public
Is facebook really the place for this?
For revealing one's inner-being
In a realm where people much prefer
Cat videos
And all it really is anyway
Is a good way to keep in touch
A convenient address book
And for the sharing of light stuff
Like holiday snaps?
I shudder to think
What my old South Elmsall friends
Make of such madness
Or my new young Cabo 'friends'
Or...
It's the skeptics' voices I hear
In my head
When I type
Which is sort of a shame
But -
Thing is
I like to write
And I like to share
Because something about it helps me move on
And find my answers
And
Like I've typed at least three times in recent weeks
"Clear the pipes"
Plus -
Probably I shouldn't worry
'Cos people who think it's bonkers
Don't read it
(And even good friends give up
A fraction of the way through)
So...
Waffle waffle
Point is I get embarrassed sometimes
By the things I care about most
And do worry a little about the way I live
Which leads to...

5.

I was thinking about this so-called "New Life"
And what is it in me that
Hesitates from fully abandoning
The world (and all that jazz)
And I think part of it is because
Well, not because flying to unknown countries
On the strength of dreams and whims
Scares me
Or feels like anything weird
But that I question whether
There isn't something better I could be doing with my time
Fact is:
I've got a good brain
A good face and body
Smarts and talents and abilities
And everything it takes to make it
In the world I grew up in
In short:
If career and money and house and woman
Was what interested me
I could have all those things, no problem
It's not like
There's nothing to turn my back on
And in a lot of ways I wonder
If that path wouldn't be better trod
And perhaps more satisfying, in the end
(And, more importantly
Perhaps the path I'm 'supposed' to be on)
(That awful word: 'supposed')
But...
Other thing is
I've dabbled in all that
Given it a fairly decent try
Don't seem all that interested
And don't find it very much to my satisfaction
(In a nutshell: get unhappy
Go crazy
And leave)
And...

6.

That dream I had the other day
I was in China
Surrounded by Chinese people
And the words I heard upon awakening
Were "Go West"
And China is of course west of here
So I looked at tickets
And they weren't mad expensive
And then I found tickets to other places
To Japan, to Malaysia
That went THROUGH China
That were basically the same flight
But with a bit extra added on
That were even less
Those were the ones that matched my bank account
Then I realised two things:
Number one,
I would need a visa for China
Unless I was merely transiting
And, number two,
Because I'm a massive racist
When in a dream I see
Oriental faces
I automatically go
"Oh, they're Chinese"
When I suppose, really
They could have been
Any number of nationality
So...
It was a little after that that I remembered the word from
That ashram night
Three years ago
And the word was:
"Sarawak"
A region of Malaysia
And I started to seriously consider it
And even came to finally figuring
"Why the hell not?"
Only thing is now -
The plane ticket
(The flight leaves tomorrow)
Has gone up nearly a thousand pesos
And not that I don't still have another thousand pesos
But it offends my sense of frugality
And also my sense of "what's meant to be"
To buy a plane ticket
That's risen in price
Especially when the whole venture
Is based on something so tenuous
As a whim
And yet...
What if this is the sign?
What if this is the test?
To see if I really am
"The Man Who Follows His Dreams"
The an who
Trusts in 'Spirit'
Shuns normality
Laughs in the face of fear
And does what needs to be done
Rather than what feels safe?
Well...
In this moment...
I am more
"The man who won't buy a plane ticket
That has risen 10% in price"
And also:
"The man who has to think about
Whether flying to Malaysia
Might not just be a bit daft
When it's England that's been so clearler
Beckoning in recent weeks"
So...

7.

England, huh?
England'll always be there
And England was dreadful (for me)
The last time I was there
(My eyesight even went bad
To the extent that I had to get some contact lenses
Only returning to normal
Once I came back to Mexico)
And -
It's not like I can't fly there from Asia
And all that gets lost is time and money
And wasn't I just saying how
Feeling like I wanted to go home
Was often nothing more than
An indicator
That I'd reached the end of a journey
That I was ready for something
Totally new, and totally unforeseen?
(The Ranch, in 1998
Going to Mexico for the first time
Later on that year
And returning to Charlottesville in '99)
But what if...
There's a reason to go back
Something waiting for me there
Something unforeseen too?
You see my dilemma

8.

Peony was right
I should have done an I Ching
But too late now
What with the price rise and all
(wink wink)

9.

And also:
How annoying
This world of plane tickets
So much easier
When travelling overland
To turn back
To change one's mind
To feel the moment
To never have to plan ahead
All those times talking to travel agents
And booking a ticket to somewhere
And having them ask
"And when do you want to come back?"
And me thinking
"How on earth should I know?
I haven't even got there yet"
Oh, for it to be like a bus
Just turn up and buy
And get off if it feels wrong
And not be five thousand miles away
And massively poorer
The next chance you get
To make a choice

10.

You know what?
If, the next time I check the price of the ticket
It's gone back to what it was
To what I have in my bank account
I'll buy it
I'll take it as a sign
Some sort of miracle
And jet my way to
Vancouver
Guangzhou
And Kuala Lumpur
Departing tomorrow
And get rid of most of my stuff
And just have my tiny backpack
And throw myself in the river
And, hopefully
Be more in the flow than ever
Though, more likely
I'll board a plane to Manchester
And get off in the English grey
And blink unbelievingly
At all the concrete and scowling faces
And cry some tears
And wonder about the Mexican desert
And feel completely lost and sad
Though -
Wouldn't England actually be
More unknown
Given my expectations
And the way expectations are usually
Completely wrong?
And wouldn't wide-eyed travel
In some far-flung country
Be more known
And safer in some ways?
All that
Not having to do anything
Except move
From place to place
And have brief interactions
And eat things I've never eaten before?
Like I said...
Probably only I Ching
Can solve a problem like Rory...

11.

The price just fell
Two percent
It's
A start...

12.

I know I'm strange
And I live a strange life
And I think too much
And I'm not very good at
Taking decisions
And that this
Compulsion to type out my thoughts
And share them here
Is probably even weirder
Than the thoughts themselves
And I'm dubious that it makes any sense whatsoever
To more than a handful of people
But still I type
'Cos the typing makes me feel good
And I wouldn't trade my life
With anyone's on earth
Unless I met someone
Who was genuinely happier than I am
And genuinely knew
What the eff is going on

The Top 10 Worst Things About Living in Mexico

Now that I've decided to reinvent myself as a lifestyle blogger - after the success of my "21 Reasons Not to Make a Baby" - I figured it was time to crack on with some more lists: and what better way to improve them than by testing them on y'all and integrating all the suggestions and corrections you put forward? (Smart bunch that you are.)

So, here's me next Magnus O'Puss...

THE TOP 10 WORST THINGS ABOUT LIVING IN MEXICO
by Gurnyville O'Dunky

BUT FIRST...A DISCLAIMER

Mexico's awesome. Hardly anyone seems crazy. There's total freedom. The cops and army blokes are chill. People seem mostly happy and content and there's no shouting in the street or drunken louts or barely-contained aggression like there is in England. Plus the weather's great. Plus it's beautiful. Plus the food's lovely and cheap. And there are so many places to go, and such variety, and it's muy tranquilo...and...and...

But, you know, nowhere's perfect...

#1 THE DOG SITUATION

Have you ever walked through a Mexican town at night? If so, you'll most likely have encountered what scientists call "a Mexican Woof Chain" - wherein the first dog's woof stirs the neighbouring dog, which stirs the next and...so on, for the duration of your whole rotten journey, and probably well into the night, as the chain travels back and forth like an endless Mexican Wave.

In short, Mexican dogs bark a lot. And every pinchi casa just HAS to have one (or three, or six). And Mexican's being a most tolerant bunch, nobody seems to mind - when the obvious solution is to exterminate the bloody lot of them.

#2 MEXICAN MUSIC

It's strange to be in Mexico so many years after my first visit and find that the music is still the same: still this godawful cacophony of trumpets and tubas and accordions, all blasting out from distorted, farting speakers never built to handle the volume that's being forced through them; destroying otherwise tranquil sunny Sunday mornings in nature and in beauty; and shaking to pieces ramshackle pickups and buses parked under arroyo bridges while Tecate Light is swilled mere feet away, and all conversation is presumably rendered an impossible nightmare.

Still, to be fair, the hippest young Mexicans detest all this...banda, I believe it's called, and don't partake themselves, so there's perhaps some hope that it'll die out one day.

#3 AMERICANS

Due to geographical proximity, there are a lot of Americans in Mexico.

'Nuff said.

(Note: most of my favorite people are American - see, I even used the incorrect spelling of 'favour' there, in 'honor' of them - but I write this here for the US-hating rest of the world, 'cos I know they like that sort of thing.)

#4 TRYING TO BUY A CAR

Buying a car in Mexico is a bit of a joke: especially if you're from somewhere like the UK, where a decent ten-year-old car can be found for about $500-1000, and something a bit older that still runs fine for as little as fifty quid.

Not quite the same in Mexico: where 20-year-old cars sell for up to two thousand bucks; where people ask a thousand dollars for bashed-up rustbuckets with half the bits missing; and where the chance of finding one with its paperwork in order - ie, one that doesn't have the licence plates from some other car and isn't "debe-ing cinco años de revistas" - is a minefield in itself.

One of the most useful things I've learned: the ubiquitous "detalles esticos" doesn't mean "a few aesthetic details" as you or I would take it (eg, a small scratch somewhere, now retouched; or perhaps the remnants of a coffee stain on one of the seats) - no, it actually means something like: all the mirrors are broken; the windshield's cracked; the brakes don't work; none of the electrics are functioning; some of the panels are dented; the headlights are hanging loose; and the muffler's tied on with a shoelace, and has a hole in it temporarily covered over with a sock.

To suggest that these things might have been mentioned in the advert, however, is usually met with bemusement - just as asking how many miles the car has. Seriously, I've asked that question many times - it's one of the most important factors when considering buying a car back home - but here it seems a non-issue. People don't know, and when you ask them to check, they can't be bothered, or ask you why on earth you'd want to know, just buy it, solo tiene detalles esteticos, etc.

On the bright side though: cars don't actually cost anything anyway, other than the difference between what one pays for it and what one sells it for (ie, depreciation) - which is a situation perhaps improved in Mexico, given that you can bash your car around a bit, and have parts drop off, and it'll still maintain most of its value, whereas in England, once it's had one little smash, or failed its MOT, it basically has no resale value at all, other than as scrap.

Wahey! One-nil Mexico.

#5 IT'S REALLY HARD TO BUY SHOES

Good luck finding a decent pair of runners if you have a normal-sized pair of feet like mine (UK 11, US 12) - Mexican men are so generally tiny and small-footed hardly anyone stocks anything beyond a size 10.

Same thing for a normal-sized pair of jeans - 32 waist, 34 leg - or a hat to fit a normal-sized head (61 cm).

Make sure you bring plenty with you (if you're a normal-sized man, like me - and especially if you're a giant, like Alex or Pete).

#6 DISHONESTY

One of the most interesting aspects of Mexican culture is the ease with which many people seem to lie: as though it hardly means anything to them at all, and is just a way of life.

The first inkling you might have that this is going on is when asking for directions - as we all know, no one will say, "I don't know", but will confidently wave some arms and tell you "para ya" or "derecho" - and off you go, in completely the wrong direction, as you sweatily discover twenty minutes later.

We wonder about this and we realise: ah, it's because people want to be nice, and they want to give us what we want - directions - and they would feel bad if they let us down.

It's not really lying, we tell ourselves, it's just a slightly misguided attempt at kindness. Saying "I don't know" would of course be more useful, but we can see where they're coming from.

Later on, after staying somewhere long enough, and experiencing more extreme and overt examples of lying, one comes to learn that dishonesty in Mexico is not the same as dishonesty in England. It's not something that people seem to agonise over; that keeps them awake at night; that haunts their conscience. Nor is it something that appears to completely destroy trust, or would be expected to do so. It really appears to flow as naturally as water, and to be no big deal - even when it completely is: when it involves jobs and relationships and money and feelings, for example.

But, like I say, just a different way of being.

#7 THE GARBAGE SITUATION

This isn't one that bothers me particularly, but I know it bothers others, so I'll put it here: and that's the sight of beer bottles and bean cans and old buckets and piles of plastic being strewn around the desert and countryside, thrown out of car windows, dumped willy-nilly.

There is a lot of garbage in Mexico, and it is a shame and uglyfying - but, for me, it has mitigating circumstances.

Number one: the way Mexico deals with its garbage is probably a little bit behind other parts of the world, but is progressing, so I'd say: give it time. When I first came to Mexico signs in buses said things like, "don't be a pig, throw your garbage out the window" - and they don't say that anymore. Now we find at least some attempts to recycle; and lots of signs saying, "no tire la basura"; and a growing number of people who wouldn't dream of chucking their empty coke bottle into a bush.

Things are moving. It's not Germany. But then, not many places are.

Number two: you think people don't throw garbage in your countries? I've walked along American highways and picked up sacks' worth of discarded beer cans and plastic bottles. I've seen Canadian hot springs littered with...well, beer cans and bottles (I can't think of anything else). And if you really want to see garbage...check out an English park at the end of a roasting summer's day - particularly one close to a university (the best and brightest, remember).

A diaper and a couple of plastic cups after a twenty-family hot springs weekend? It don't even compare.

Number three: there are worse types of garbage in the world. Perhaps it's a bit crappy that little dirt-scrabble Mexican villages just pile it by the side of the road and burn it - car tires, refrigerators, unburnables and all - but one thing we don't really find in Mexico is the kind of 'human garbage' that we see in our countries. And not that I mean "humans that ARE garbage", but humans that the rest of us have tossed away, discarded, and treated like trash.

For examples of this, see: downtown Vancouver; Los Angeles (something like 40,000 homeless people there alone); San Francisco's civic centre; and a thousand other places besides.

For me, a few beer cans in a bit of desert scraggle while familes interact happily doesn't really compare to the horror of our first-world homelessness and mental illness apocalypse.

#8 MEXICAN WOMEN

There are four main problems with Mexican women: the first is that there are a really disproportionately high number of lovely and attractive ones - even in a dusty pueblito of fifty people you'll generally find at least one who could be a model - and that can be mighty distracting; it's much better somewhere like England (London aside) where one rarely encounters that issue.

The second problem with Mexican women is that they barely seem to notice the white guy, even when you'd swear blind the appearance of such a fellow would at least cause a second glance. But it doesn't. And that's sad.

The third problem is that, traditionally, they don't take the initiative - and that's not good for those of us whose idea of making a move on a woman is to do little more than ever-so subtly create a space for her to make a move on him.

The fourth problem is that most of them don't speak fluent English, or have an intimate knowledge of the last thirty years of British comedy - but I suppose that's understandable.

And, in any case, despite these issues, the positives far outweigh the negatives. It's just a shame there appears so little interest in "La Mexicana" to work on said shortcomings.

But, as mentioned elsewhere, perhaps we can give it time, and all creases will be ironed out in due course.

>>> 

That's it. I thought there'd be more, but I could only think of 8. Indeed, it might be argued that some of them are hardly problems at all - though that's an issue for debate.

So what do you think? Have me missed anything? Do you agree with our list? Or do you think we've got it all wrong?

Write us an email at craplists@buzzfeed.com and let us know your thoughts.

Cheers! :)

(Not) On The Road Pt 5

Ain't life grand?
This self-styled
"Man Who Follows His Dreams"
After all his thinking about where to go next
On the verge of buying a ticket to
Rainy old Manchester, England
To land there next Wednesday
(A quick check on the weather shows that
It is, indeed
Raining)
Sleeps in his San Miguel hostel bed
And dreams vividly of a country
A million miles from his thoughts
And wakes to hear the words
"Go X"
("X" being the compass direction
To that place)
And a quick perusal of plane tickets
Shows that I can make it
Within a week
For five pesos less than I have in my bank account
(I also have about enough cash
For a week)
So...
What's a boy to do?
Well -
This boy
Will let it brew
See what the signs say
Maybe sleep on it a couple more nights
And...
Giggle about the whole thing
And the possibilities
And -
Probably still go to Manchester anyway ;)

On The Road Pt 4

Back in San Miguel de Allende
After my trip out into the desert
A need to rest
Wash my stinky clothes
Get some sleep
And write myself
Into the future
So...

1.

The last thing I posted
Was something about a
Thought/realisation I had
Sitting in the back of a pickup
Exiting Las Margaritas
That I said was difficult
To put into words
When actually...
It probably isn't
Especially if I allow myself to stumble over it
Begin by mumbling how it was
Something about
Experience
Memory
And transformation
Something about how
In the seeking of experience
We often create a memory
And memory can create attachment
For we may look back
Want it again
Even come to believe
It meant something that it didn't really
Whereas what we really seek
(Probably)
Is transformation
And experience
No matter how profound
Doesn't necessarily guarantee that
Though it may give the illusion
That transformation has taken place
Meanwhile
The question is
"Can we have transformation
Without experience?"
And
In the moment
I believed that the answer was
"Yes"
And that made me smile
And feel good
And felt like something of a reward
For turning my back on peyote
An unexpected train of thought
Out of the blue
Which I imagine makes little sense to others
But perhaps means something
Good

2.

Then I was in Real de Catorce
Talking about how cold it was
And how it didn't match my expectations
In any way whatsoever
Though...
It did grow on me
After a good night's sleep
Snuggled under blankets
(My first real bed
All to myself
In something like six months)
Despite profuse
Dogs
Donkeys
Thunder
And dreams
(And the hotel running out of
Water and electricity)
And I thought maybe I could stay a bit longer
(But do what?)
And instead decided to walk down the back road
Down the mad mountain
That people generally only do in
Massively suspensionised
Vintage jeeps
It's so crazy and bumpy
But here I go
On my two feet
With my wheely case
(Sometimes on my shoulder
When the rocks get too bad)
And it's pretty lovely
And perhaps bonkers
(It's about 11 km
Back to the highway)
But I don't care about that
Beats the alternative
And, in any case
After about half an hour
A police pickup comes bouncing down the hill
Out goes my thumb
And in the back I jump
Four cops in the front
Two in the bed with me
And it's lovely

3.

From there
(Estacion Wadley)
I'm wondering what to do next
Head on back to San Miguel de Allende?
Head north, and break into Texas
Now only six hours away?
Or return to Las Margaritas?
Where an Irish anthropologist
Has expressed an interest in buying my phone
(He's lost his
Needs one
Can't get one within a four hour bus journey)
And, of course
Where the peyote dwells
But -
First things first
I'm hungry
And thirsty
And need to take care of that
In a little roadside shack
Where the kindly woman
Whips me up something non-meaty and good
(And only ten pesos!)
(Forty British pence!)
And while I'm sitting there
A guy in a pickup
Asks me if I want a ride to
Las Margaritas
And I figure that's that decision
Taken care of
And off we go
Back to the desert
Infinitely better than my first
Frustrating walk down that road
And an entirely different feeling
Than two days before

4.

I think going to Real de Catorce
Has shifted something
Certainly, my first time in Las Margaritas
I'd been thinking of that place a lot
Perhaps as a better place
And therefore lacked a bit of focus
But now that's done
Necessarily so
And things have changed

5.

I find the Irish guy
And things have changed for him too
He'd been in a bad space
Head-wise
The first time I'd met him
But I guess he'd had a chance
To get it off his chest
(He'd said he was on the verge of leaving
Despite having six months left
On his project)
And now he was all good
And bought my phone
And things being more expensive here
Despite it not working quite as well as when I bought it
Back in the UK a year ago
He gave me more than I paid for it
(I did sell him it for less
Than he initially offered, though)
And that's a good bit of business
In anyone's book
Plus
It frees me from my phone
Stops my mind
From wanting to
Take pictures
Run a finger across a screen
Listen to things rather than think
And be ever on the lookout for a wifi connection
Which are all good things
When you're on the road
And trying to be in the flow
(For the most part...)

6.

While chatting with him
Things start happening in the village
Families are fiesta-ing
People are dressing in their finest cowboy outfits
Organising chaotic horse races
Pickup truck sound systems are blaring
Tecate Light is being consumed
A film crew is trying to make a movie
And a whole bunch of
Alcoholics Anonymous
Evangelical Christians
Are preparing to go into the desert
Eat some peyote
And pray to Jesus
(An interesting blend)
Plus other stuff;
In a nutshell
It's a whole bunch of cultural experience
But
Me being me
Especially now the beer is flowing
I think I'd rather be off on my own
Somewhere quiet
Digging nature
I find that interesting
And find I feel
Zero qualms and regrets
About leaving such
Chances for observing others
(And future stories)
Behind

7.

I walk to the nice camping spot
But others are there
And so I go further
A couple of miles from the pueblito
Totally alone
Then I take a little hike into the emptiness
Charging through brush and spikes
Find myself seemingly on some mission
And come fairly pronto
To a cute little peyote
Sitting there looking at me
It's a curious moment...
The way one can walk
For hours
In this desert
On the hunt
And find nothing
And yet...
Seemingly I've been magnetised to it
And as I kneel down and say hello
Totally opposite to before
I get a
"Yes"
And decide to go for it
Get out my spoon
Slice it out the ground
Brush off the dirt
Pop it in my mouth
Chew
And swallow

8.

One, of course
Won't be enough
Will I find more?
Well...
Suddenly
It's like I can see them from
Miles away
I walk straight up to
One after another
And ask the question
And six out of ten say
"Sure
Go ahead
Eat me"
And I do

9.

It's almost sunset
I go back to my tent
Wonder what we're in for
Notice a calming of thought
A nice sense of focus
An ability to be still
Those things feel good
But the rest of it...
The rest of it is kind of shitty
Nothing much happens
Save a lack of sleep
A queasy feeling in my gut, under my skin
And a sense of tediousness
With the whole thing 'cos
If nothing's going to happen
Why do I have to stay awake all night
Feeling yucky?
"It's just a drug"
I think to myself
"And a fairly rubbish one at that"
I'm pretty confrontational with the peyote
Tell it
"You're not as good as mushrooms
Not even as good as LSD"
Tell it
"You know what?
You're beneath me
There's nothing you can do for me"
And conclude
Nothing's happening 'cos
I already walked through the mescaline door
Two years ago
With San Pedro
That those lessons
That expansion
Has already taken place
It doesn't surprise me
It's happened before
With iboga
(The stone dropped in the lake
Makes much less of an impact
Then the stone dropped in
The glass)
And
It's all just a bit annoying
The sleepless night
The queasiness
The sense of having ingested
A toxin
A drug
And yet...
Weirdly
My solution to the situation
Is to eat even more
A wondering that
Maybe I just haven't had enough
And if I could have walked straight
I would have got some
But I couldn't
So I just laid there
Till morning
And waited it out
As best I could

10.

Also
I'm not surprised by any of this
I've had my reservations and doubts
Sparked mainly by
The kind of people who kept telling me it was good
Most of whom did so
With a cigarette in one hand
And a Tecate Light in the other
Not the kind of vibe I aspire to
And
A confusion in my brain
That if they've truly tapped into something
"Spiritual and magical"
Why are they still doing such base, low vibration things?
I guess the answer is simple:
They haven't
(Though, it has to be said
A few I met who had partaken
I liked a lot
And respected
And lived lives
I admired greatly)
But still...

11.

Now
Though I say "nothing happened"
That wasn't quite right
For in there among the silliness of having
Made myself ill
There were also some interesting thoughts:
The first one being
How entirely clear it was that
The peyote wasn't saying
"Eat me"
Or, a few days before
Telling me not to
That was just me
Projecting onto it
Inventing the whole thing
And that made me think about all the other things
I might be projecting
Onto life, and onto others
And as I've pondered before
I think it's pretty all-encompassing
And something useful to consider
And also a little bit scary
Because
In a nutshell
Probably whenever I think someone is thinking something
It's most likely me that's actually thinking it
And that's just scratching the surface...

12.

I also thought that my entire life seemed to simply be
The having of ideas
And the living them out
Which also seemed kind of tedious
And yawnsome
And I thought
"There really has to be something
Beyond that -
But...
OMG
What if there isn't?"

13.

If there were other things
I can't quite remember them now
And let me say again:
It was predominantly
Tedious
Annoying
Laughable
- Such a cliché!
The white guy in the desert
In the middle of the night
Chomping on cactus
And trying to find something
(It didn't do Jim Morrison much good) -
And a bit of an embarrassing let down
To have done that to myself
When turning my back on it
Had felt so pure and good
And yet...

14.

The next day
Feeling better with the rising sun
I went for a long walk in the desert
(A couple of hours;
Found nothing)
And then headed back to a spot
I'd been at a few days previously
Where I knew there were plenty
And figured:
Since we're here
We might as well go for it
And if I regret doing it
As long as I don't permanently damage myself
I'll probably regret it less
Than the next time I meet another person
Who tells me they ate peyote
And had all these wonderful things happen
And I'm there thinking
"Damn, I want wonderful things too
I really shoulda done that"
(But now several thousand miles away)
So...
I pick about 18-20 big buttons
A good kilo or so of cactus
Plenty more than is supposed to be necessary
(But that old theory
That I always need more
Due to all that meditation and vision questing)
(As well as the rest of it)
And I spend most of the afternoon
Chopping it down
Softening it up
Trying to render it more palatable
(Nasty tasting thing!)
Often mostly thinking
Probably I won't eat it
Would like to turn my back on it again
But might as well be ready
Just in case...
And then a bit before sunset
A Huichol guy turns up
With a couple from San Luis
And he gives me this smile
And I think
You know what?
I like his vibe
Maybe there is something in this after all
And that's the clincher
And so off I go
Back once more into the desert
And
With a bottle of apple juice
And a bunch of water
Manage to drink the
Whole rotten mess
A kilo of peyote
And that's gotta be enough
To send pretty much anyone
Into the zone
Right?

15.

Guess what?
Nothing happens
Even less than the day before
Just the queasiness
The inability to sleep
(Though not so bad)
The discomfort in my skin
And the annoyance of having this
Toxicity
In my body
And having to wait it out
But...
At least we did it
And will never wonder
What might have been

16.

I know why this happened
Or, at least
I have my theory
Thing is
With these things
What we're actually feeling
When it's so powerful and overwhelming
Are the stretch marks
The gap between where we are
And where they take you to
(However temporary)
When we start off with a small mind...
The gap is big
The stretching intense
And the experience strong
But when the mind, by whatever means
Has already been expanded
The gap is small
Or non-existent
And the stretching feels like nothing
May not take place at all
And that's a good thing
Unless one wants an experience
In which case it's not
But as I said in the beginning...
It's transformation that's where it's at
Not necessarily experience

17.

So that was that
Another annoying night in my tent
Tolerating queasiness
And waiting for it to wear off
Made a little extra annoying
By the San Luis couple
On their own peyote trip
Blasting out really terrible loud music
In the middle of the night
To my incredulation
And
Eventually
I go over there and see them
And there they are
Sitting next to the pickup
Drinking Tecate Light
And looking kind of spaced
And there's the Huichol guy
In the eternal rock-like pose of the Indian
Perfectly vacant
Endlessly patient
Tolerating everything
Even things that are complete shit
Like that awful music
And this couple
And their beers

18.

In the morning
After I get my legs back
I pack up camp
Go see the Irish guy
And tell him what happened
He reckons it's pretty unprecedented
For someone to eat a kilo of peyote
And feel next to nothing
But I tell him my theory
(Always awkward
Aware that it sounds like
Blowing one's own trumpet
And that's not allowed)
(Though actually just objective
If you think about it)
But I think he kind of gets it
And after we've chatted a few hours
Drank some tea
Put some eggs and corn in my body
He runs me on his bike back to
Dusty old
Wadley
(He tells me travellers love that place -
God only knows why)
And I set off with my thumb once again
Heading south
For what else is there to do?
I'm dirty
I need a shower
Want a bed
Have hardly anything left in the way of clothing
Having somehow accidentally given away (or lost)
All but three of my t-shirts
And my one pair of jeans
Is beginning to fall to pieces
As is my backpack
And everything else
It's all feeling like the end of something
A limping home
My mind often harking back to
When this whole journey began
Four and a half years ago
With that vision of Greece
And the subsequent abandoning of
My "normal life"
That followed
And -
Now tired
Still a little queasy
Everything stinking
My shoes about done
But unable to find a pair in my size
In the whole of Mexico
(Same for jeans
Same for a hat)
Dragging that wheely case
Through the dust, over stones
And the weird thought of England
Ever-growing in my brain
These past few weeks
After three-quarters of a year
Of not thinking about it at all
Is this the end of the road?
Am I really going "home"?
(As I keep singing in my head
For whatever reason
"It's all right
And it's coming on
We've got to get right back to where we
Started from")
But where is home?
Where did we start from?
And what's in England for me?
(A little frightened because of
How grim it was
The last time I was there)
(Though perhaps I shouldn't have been there...)
And then -
Could it not be another place
That I started from?
The US?
Baja?
Which always feels like home too
I dunno...
I've got some figuring out to do
These thoughts are becoming all-consuming
But...
It also feels pretty weird
To think that I could be walking down English streets
Within a few days

19.

PS
You don't have to worry about giving me advice
(Unless it's practical, and useful)
This writing is just
The expression
The clearing of the pipes
The message to the Universe
Which enables the answer
To arrive
The magic that occurs
When I type it all out
And stand up from the keyboard
A new man
Empty and refreshed
And walk into the future
Unknown

20.

PPS
I feel bad about the phrases
"Dirt-scrabble Injun"
And
"Plant medicine crap"
And thought about them a lot
While I was off in the desert
I guess I just like being irreverant sometimes
And have inherited that glorious British tendency
Of antipedestalisationism
Which, when you think about it
Is just the Universe seeking balance
(I'm being tongue-in-cheek here)
And, in effect,
A metaphysical version of
One of the Laws of Thermodynamics
(I'm not smart enough to know which one)
So...
Yeah
I'll edit them out at some point
As well as everything else I've ever written
That was even slightly objectionable
And be more careful in the future
Unless I feel like being otherwise
(wink)

21.

In a nutshell:
Done
Head emptied
Words pasted here
For your perusal
Misunderstanding
Indifference
Head-nodding agreement
I guess now it's time
To head out into the San Miguel sun
Pick up my laundry
Wear something that doesn't stink
Grab a bite to eat
(Possibly some Ritz crackers and Philadelphia
My current "dirty treat" of choice)
And figure out what
The near future will bring
Which is hopefully something that
Doesn't suck balls
Nor something less good
Than living in this beautiful city
And locking myself in a little room
And typing till I can type no more
In between visits to
Groovy, gruesome churches
Where the Jesuses wear wigs
Bleed and look pained
And I giggle thinking of how
I spend my vacation
Sitting under Marys
Shedding attachment
And feeling happy
Rather than the restaurants and dancing
Of other people's holidays
Oddball that I am

22.

Oh!
And I rode a freight train
A Mexican freight!
It was only for like ten seconds
(Was going the wrong way)
But still...

23.

That's all. :)

On The Road Pt 3

Now here I am
In Las Margaritas
Cuddled up in
My morning tent
Last night was mad
A sudden sunset urge
To go find some peyote
But all I found
Was a massive lightning storm
Some rain
And the experience of
Wandering in the dark desert
Getting wet
And seeing lightning go
Ka-boom!
Right in my face
(One time I start the count
Got to "Missi-"
And then the thunder crashed
I guess that meant it was half a mile away
And forked too
And kind of frightening
In all that open desert)
In any case
I make it to my tent
Find enough dry things to sleep
And now I wonder...
I'm thinking about England lots
After basically forgetting it
Most of the past nine months
Can't decide about eating peyote
Sometimes yes, sometimes no
Skeptical about all this "plant medicine" crap
About dust-scrabble Injuns
And the peyote so cute anyways
Not really sure I can cut em up
And sink my fangs into em
But...
If they want it
If Spirit wants it
I guess we will

...

(Same day, 7.07pm)

I went off in the morning
Left my things out to dry in the sun
Walked half an hour into the desert
And found a bunch of peyote
Maybe 15 good-sized buttons
Probably enough to do the job
I sat on my blanket
Talked to it
Talked to the desert
Tried to feel the right way
And...
There was no "yes"
No compelling urge
And even thinking about cutting one
Filled me with revulsion
The idea of beheading such a cute small thing...
It'd be like slicing up a kitten
So I left it
Packed up my stuff
Departed strange Las Margaritas
And got back on the road
And a couple of easy rides later
I was in high mountain Real de Catorce
(About 2800 metres, I'm told)
Not quite what I expected...
I'd been thinking little backwater oasis
Some peaced out wise gringoes
Maybe a few genuine mystics
And perhaps even a better peyote situation
But actually it's just
Rubble and Mexican tourists
Shivering in the rain
Stumbling along cobbled streets
Past tat and hoodies
Though the church is groovy
With flashing lights around the giant Jesus
And a sound system playing a churchy version
(Still in English)
Of that
"Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometimes"
Song
While an old woman shouts out her prayers
And breaks into hymns
And everything's all colourful and gory
It's an odd little place
I'll stay the night
I'll ponder what to do next
Whether to return to Las Margaritas
Or maybe even awesome San Miguel de Allende
Or - shock horror! -
Investigate this growing feeling to
Get on a plane to England
(But what the hell would I do there?)
(And, anyways
That feeling don't necessarily mean
What I might think it means
Sometimes
Often
It just means I'm ready for the new thing
The new unknown thing
Whatever that might be)
(Truly "giving up")
So
That's where we're at
Typing with thumbs
On a phone I almost sold yesterday
(To disconnect)
And sitting after four gorditas
And an earlier nap
In my hundred peso hotel
And thinking still about that nice thought/realisation I had
When saliring from peyote
Which seemed sort of incredible
But I can't quite put into words

On The Road Pt 2

It's early in my tent
Still dark outside
The birds tweeting
And from somewhere in the distance
The rumble and horn of a
Mexican freight train
I'm in a town called Venado
Somewhere up in the desert
Not far now from
Legendary Catorce
From the peyote fields and the Huichol -
It's hard to comprehend
I only left San Miguel yesterday
And in the afternoon at that
Took a bus to San Felipe
Dug Hidalgo passing through
Told myself "I love Mexico" many times
And marvelled at brown skinned beauties
Then I'm on the highway
Back on the blessed asphalt
Standing in random desert
Thumb out
Smiling
Ah, it's been a while
The random white man
Even more random this time
Due to his airplane wheely case
But you know what?
It works
Better than backpack
Save for hiking, maybe
And -
Hup! Hup!
A ride within two minutes
A good guy in a pickup
Driving all the way to San Luis Potosí
Chats about seeing England vs Brazil in 1970
Still plays soccer in his sixties
(They have an over-60s league
In SLP
Sixteen teams
Nothing like that in England)
(God, I love Mexico)
Then I have mad times by the periferico
Everybody telling me to go the other way
Nobody stopping
No buses passing
Saved, weirdly, by a taxi driver who's
Only trying to swindle me
Not knowing who he's dealing with
(Mr Frugality, 1997)
And who drops me by the tracks in a weird spot
No longer on the highway
Oh, for a passing train!
To speed me north
Throw the suitcase up there
Shoot y'all a video
Whizzing through the desert
Shouting commentary over roar of thunder
Smile as wide as the tracks
But...
No hay tren
Y no quiero to wait for one
So -
A fully-loaded pickup stops
The nice man in it laughs
Says he'll take me where I need to go
Even though it's the wrong way for him
Even though the front seat's full
Even though it means his retarded brother (there's a wife too)
Will have to jump in the back
And sit on what seems to be
Sewage slop and rotting garbage
In massive buckets -
I can't have that
Can't even do it myself
And anyway
Don't want him going out of his way
So instead we just have a bit of fun
He speaks some English
He makes everything feel good
And on I go
Following the tracks
Somewhere in giant
San Luis Potosi
Back to the road
Back to the roar of traffic
But - by Gad!
The taxi driver has done his job
I get a ride
All the way to where there's a bus
A ten peso bus that
Exits town
Goes way further than I thought
Delivers me right to the junction I need
By some town called Mexquitic
And happy thumbs are once more employed
And soon enough another great guy
Scoops me up
Bounces me down the road
Simplifies his Spanish
And asks me things like:
"What's the most important thing in your life?"
To which I shudder
Wonder if I'm supposed to say "la familia"
But instead talk about
Writing
Good people
Nature
Travel
To which he replies:
"To know oneself"
And I get it
And say
Actually, the most important thing in my life right now
Is to feel my connection with Spirit
And do what it bids me to do
I wonder why I don't say that sort of thing more often
Just as I've been wondering why I generally
Don't let on what I'm actually doing
And pretend I'm doing something else
That's about it
He brings me to this park
And I sleep warm and good
And now it's 7.15
And light
And time to go once more
To about the last place I can think of
And see what's there...

On The Road Pt 1

It's strange to leave Baja
Baja so much my home
And the time on the Pacific side
Initially weird
Wondering how the hell I'll fill a week
Turns out groovy
One newish friend
One really new friend
And I don't want to leave
Tremble a little
All those thoughts about
Just hopping over to the mainland
And hitching to unknown places
On whims
Suddenly seems a bit mad and pointless
But I've got my ticket
And get underway
Perhaps randomly deciding to thumb it
To the airport
Even though I've had bad luck out of Pescadero before
And the clock is ticking
Three hours to make the plane
And at least a two hour journey by bus
I guess I'm tempting fate
Daring it to get me there
While a certain part of me hopes I'll miss it
(Just like Greece
Four years ago
And we all know how that turned out)
(So I don't take that part
Too seriously)
But I needn't have worried
For, within ten minutes
A well good young guy
Speeds me all the way to La Paz
And talks coincidentally and unbidden
About eating peyote
In Real de Catorce
And he's so nice and lovely
He even offers to take me
All the way to the airport
Even though it's the wrong way for him
And he's supposed to be working
But he's done enough
And I'm so early
I can't have that
So I stop off for food
One last visit to a Baja Soriana
And then trundle along the highway
With my wheely suitcase
(There's no bus, of course
That would make too much sense)
And next thing I know
I'm bound for Mexico City
Two complementary packets of peanuts on the plane
And the guy next to me
Gives me one of his too
So I'm pretty stoked by that
As we fly up and over the coast
And I look down on precious Baja arroyos
And beaches
And already start to miss them
And to miss the ease of life at the hot springs
How good it is
Already brought home by some time on the salty side
No agua fresco for
Bathing in
For drinking
For nightly soaks
For always being clean
The simplicity of life
In one pair of shorts
No shoes required
Everything right there
Further emphasized by this
Trip to the city
Now I need
Showers
Laundry
Bottled water
A change of clothes
And somewhere to sleep
Which is my first challenge
And I don't do so well
I'm so out of practice with
City life
Ending up weirdly
- It's a longer story
Than I've got time to tell -
In
San Pedro de los Pinos
(A fair-to-middlin'
Mexico City district)
At midnight
With no real idea what I'm doing
A bit worried being on those dark Mexico City streets
With my wheely case
And my gringo tourist skin
But I needn't have been:
I find an odd little homemade shrine
To the Virgin Mary
With flashing lights
And a power point for phone
And sit there until 3am
Strangely inspired
To write and write and write
Fourteen pages, by hand
A whole load of
Recollections and reflections
Puzzlements and regrets
A bunch of feelings, even, too
And then when done
I walk
(And wheel)
Till I find a playground
(Parque de Miraflores)
Put up my tent
Under a children's slide
Sleep a couple of fitful hours
And in the morning
Book a "travel bureau car"
(Blablacar)
To Santiago de Queretaro
And am back on the road
Zooming through beautiful Mexico
Digging the hills and green
Different to Baja
Lovely, nonetheless
And from there,
A bus to San Miguel de Allende
Eight years after I first feel to visit it
And
I love it
It's perhaps the most picturesque city
I've ever been in
I wander the streets
I feel inspired to write
I stay four happy days
I think maybe I should live there