Everything is madness, everything is insane. Two weeks
of la familia cinco, just about getting through but nerves frayed and driven to
the edge, and then ONE DAY off, of hiking up the canyon, and I come back to
find EVERYBODY looking for me, and talking about me, and gossiping, and wanting
this or that. (Or were they really looking for me? Or perhaps just not asking,
“have you seen so and so?” as anyone would.)
In any case, it’s all
bobbins and too much for my poor brain; not sleeping; bad dreams; an almost
vision but sort of crazy; and now the Canadian girl comes, after a
twenty-minute conversation, and several hundred whatsapp messages, 95% of them
written by her.
It’s two months since I
finished Matt’s project; probably about that long since I wrote that status
update of how happy I was. But even then, I knew some of it had passed, and I
guess I have to go right back to Pearl’s time here to knowing that I was truly
blissful. Then the silliness of her in La Paz. Then slightly resurrected by
Tammy. But, all in all, driven mad by the gringos and the villagers and my own
stupidity and tightness, and children, and yacking Americans, and all this time
no one to talk to, to listen to my woes, to nod as I let it all out – except
this computer, which I have utilised (for good purpose) far too seldomly.
Phone chess and I even
got to watching movies and being bored and hanging on for Matt and Easterly and
now Carolyne – and yet...perhaps it’s all worthwhile. Taking it to the very
end. Leaving when I hate it. Leaving when I can stand no more and can’t wait to
get out.
Will I be free from the
lure of this place? I doubt it; not totally. Just as I’m not totally free of
the lure of the US. But...
Goddamn, everything’s so
fucked up and crazy! How am I to manage even one more week of this? And then...
Allende. Look at plane
tickets. Make something happen. Anything.
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