Car dreams and stress

Monday 10th April, 7.38am

On Saturday morning I woke up unhappy from various things, and also from a dream of a car setting on fire. Immediate waking thought was: shouldn’t drive today. And then I wrote, and felt much, much better.

In any case, I drove, and the car broke down, and after several hours of intense mental and emotional activity and stress, from about 11am to 5pm, something broke and I finally became relaxed. The pressure to please others, to give Matt and Easterly the ‘perfect holiday’ went. They didn’t care about anything. The kids were loving whatever happened. All my little plans and intentions: nothing mattered.

I was exhausted and beat, felt queasy, sick, couldn’t eat, still couldn’t sleep – but something had ‘let go’.

They’re happy. I no longer care so much. I see them enjoy all – even the lack of water – and everything’s fine.

Just got to get car running so we can enjoy the rest of our time to the max, however it may look, and kick back as they’re doing.

They don’t need me to provide for them. The hot springs and Baja is enough. Dusty old Baja. Mad old dog-filled Baja. This crazy house: they’re loving it all.

As Matt said: all this stuff going wrong and shenanigans and stress is normal for them, they’re used to it. Three kids and a busy life and all the coming and going.

Not me. I keep things simple – and when they get complicated, I fall apart.

Am I really peaceful, or do I do nothing more than (mostly) avoid things that would take away peace?

Moments like these, these guys – even with their smoking and drinking – seem much more accepting and joyful than I.

Makes ya think. Though probably I’d be the same in their position. Just as I was with Pearl and the break-in.

Makes ya think – but I shouldn’t let it make me think too much. Just nice that that drive to please, to organise, to sort everything for them, has faded.

Gracias Dios. Y ahora...hoy!