San Miguel de Allende Day 2

Well then, what am I supposed to do now? I can’t come all this way to not do this. But I can’t live with not sleeping, with all this noise.

Am I really thinking about El Chorro? About Baja? After all my yearning to be here?

I just need a place I can sleep. An electricity supply. Reasonably priced. Somewhere I can write. And to feel okay.

Baja was too hot. Nowhere settled. But Tammy. But Harumi. But the simplicity. But Philipp.

I said it would be hard here, at first. I said I might have to suffer.

I don’t mind suffering existentially, for my craft. But not dogs and music and fireworks and no sleep.

There’s always Real de Catorce: that place was quiet, just the one barking dog. But cold, no doubt. And not San Miguel: less than nothing to do there. I stayed one night. I left.

I’m sure a way will be made known to me. It will have to be. I’ve come all this way. This is kind of the end of the road, to where everything led. Where I was four months ago. Sleeping in the hostel and then having that weird dream of Asians, and remembering back to Sarawak. But I didn’t go there, I went to England, and in England I dreamed of Mexico. Of Baja and Yandara. Baja being good, Yandara being bad.

I can always leave. It’s only money. But Baja…isn’t what…I just don’t know.

What should I do? I should eat and take a walk. Sit in a church. See how I feel then.

That’s the thing about Baja: there’s nowhere to talk to. Not in CSL, not really in San Jose. And though there is in El Chorro, something about it – about doing it alone – makes me sad, and has made me sad ever since I went over the top in March, the culmination of my ambitions. Then I was desperate for the mainland. Then when I got here I wished I’d come over sooner, and I was back to saying “I love Mexico” – which I said and felt again yesterday.

Or do I just love moving? Leaving the old and being in the new? Which doesn’t really seem like anything, if I think about it. Just constantly being in motion.

To write. To work on these ideas. To do something about them, be productive, get them out of my system.

Hey ho! Weird dreams of talking with Emily in the bathroom and Jen being weirded out by it. Some other face from back there, too – Easterly was in it, I think: all people I never really dream of – and…well at least I slept some, in the end.

Big love!