Chapter Twelve: Politics

What's that thing wise people say about unsuitable topics of conversation among family and friends? That's it: don't talk religion, don't talk sex, and don't talk politics either.

Smart, them wise people - but me no wise person; we all know that. So...

1. I was watching the local north of England news last night and people on it were talking about out-of-touch London politicians who forget about the rest of the country, don't know what's going on up here, just take care of their own - you know, all the usual lines the good, humble Northern Working Man trots out.

But then I suddenly had this lightbulb moment: these people here are doing exactly the same thing! They're talking about places they haven't a clue about. And, if they did, they'd never say the things they say.

London politicians looking after London? If that were true then: why is it so bloody awful down there?

2. Ever since the referendum, the ironic beards of Britain's youth have apparently been tear-soaked and bedraggled. They didn't want it, older Remainers bleat - transferring and projecting - but they're the ones who are going to have to live with it.

Others retort, well if they didn't want it - and let's remember, a lot of them did - then why didn't they get off their Xbox arses and make it down the polling station?

Others, like The Grauniad, say they did, looking at different sets of statistics published a couple of days ago. But if you happened to read that article, look closer: the sample sizes were tiny.

In any case, for me it's all immaterial: the real question is: why should we care so much what the young think about political matters anyway? And especially why should we rate their supposed concerns of greater value than the elderly?

According to independent think-tank The Chimera Group, 90% of 16-24 year-olds don't know their arses from their elbows anyway.

3.Wah wah wah. Brexit means money has gone bad. Money has gone bad 'cos people said money would go bad - but what if they'd said money would go good? And what about my money - isn't that what really matters?

Wah wah house prices and trade deals and - look at the footsie, isn't it awful? (Whatever that is.)

Wah wah wah!

But listen: money would've gone bad anyway. And house prices would've gone down. And then they'd've gone up again. And either one would have been good/bad for somebody.

The recession in 2008? Fifteen percent interest rates in the 80s? What did either of them have to do with whether Brussels let us eat bent bananas or not?

Recession, she come and go, for whatever reason, and if this is the reason this time then, whatevers, it won't last forever.

Plus, it's very doubtful it'll do anything to diminish the unabated growth of the size of TV screens in our nation's households.

4. It's all very un-British, you know, all this handwringing and griping and whining, "it's not fair." After all, aren't we the nation that simply laughed as Jerry dropped his bombs, sang songs about saucy milkmen, and made up comedy routines involving tall men whose feet could go quite high when they walked?

Stiff upper lip, self-deprecating humour, and get on with it: that's the spirit.

5. Also, all those people saying, "look! an online petition! four million want another go at it and we've made a terrible mistake and we deserve a second chance - especially now we've seen money go bad."

Four million? That's a mere 25% of those who voted Remain in the first place. Which - stats being stats - we can extrapolate to conclude that a full 12 million of Remainers have changed their minds and decided they quite like the Brexiting after all.

6. Will Scotland have another independence referendum? I hope so. Couldn't believe they didn't take up the offer two years ago - all those hundreds of years of fighting and moaning and watching Braveheart on endless repeat, and they don't grab the chance when it's handed to 'em on a plate?

Poor ol' Robbie the Bruce musta been spinning in his grave.

7. Now, here's the thing: I don't really know anything about how politics or the economy works, and, if you're a normal human person with a head and three arms, you don't either.

In fact, I doubt very much whether even the abnormal ones like the ones in charge know that much about how politics and the economy works - if they did, should we not assume they'd do a better job at it? That they'd see things like booms and busts coming? That it wouldn't be so crazy complex and difficult?

But, anyway, like football, it's kind of fun to talk about.

8. A lot of people like the expression, "Politicians: they're all as bad as each other." They say that and we all know what it means and I guess if you agree with it you feel it's a "truth universally acknowledged."

But if it is true, doesn't it also mean that they're all as good as each other? And if that's the case, shouldn't we be cutting them some slack?

Tough job, eh? Not sure I'd want to do it, even with all the money and fame and going on telly and that.

9. Poor old Jeremy Corbyn: there's a man who symbolises the futility of living in a democracy, where any ill-informed jackass's opinion is worth as much as the one held by whatever Confucius or Lao-Tsu you may have living down your road.

All he ever said was, "I think maybe it's not a good idea to spend trillions of pounds on large pieces of machinery that are designed to bring death, destruction, widespread suffering, environmental devastation, and possible annihilation on a global scale, and which we're never going to use anyway" and they chased him outta town like some cobbled-together monster who needed jabbing with pitchforks and burned screaming at the stake.

That's what you get for being ahead of your time, Jezzer.

10. Winston Churchill, as I've said many a time, had it right: "democracy is rubbish," he said, "because the majority of people aren't all that smart and tend to make lowest common denominator decisions - but at least it's better than brutal dictatorship."

In a political democracy you get what - well, not necessarily what the majority want, but, you know, what a larger chunk of people than another chunk of people want.

But isn't it good that in other realms of life we're not subjected to such conditions? Otherwise there'd be no Stewart Lee, no Limmy, no Kurt Vonnegut, and no Gong either, and we'd all be living in a world where the only reading matter would be The Sun newspaper and Dan Brown books, all movies would be variations on the theme 'Transformers', and Adele, Ed Sheeran, and Michael Bublé would dominate the airwaves to such an extent those of different persuasions would either be running for the nearest cliff or doing a double Van Gogh in the search for blesséd relief.

Point being: if only we had a meritocracy of honest and wise leaders who quietly got on with it while the rest of us concentrated on the important stuff like eating pizza and hitting Level 42 on Candy Crush Saga 9: The Dostoevsky Years.

11. In any case, thank God UK politics barely makes a blind bit of difference to anything, 'cept maybe putting up the price of a paella every now and then. Or causing devastating events like the miners' strike, the war in Iraq, and the tragedy of a few thousand London hipsters throwing their toys out the pram.

12. Poor old Londoners - my heart genuinely bleeds for 'em 'cos, you know, it must be awful being forced to live somewhere so expensive and grim, with no means of escape, all them guards standing around the M25 herding 'em in like cattle, orders to shoot to kill.

How they clamber at that wall! How they risk life and limb to get across it! How they beseech, please let us go to Sunderland! We know there are empty, affordable houses there, we're sure we could start fresh lives, bring vitality, make the perilous journey, wagon-train style, and build anew.

But no: they must stay, scrape together for their rents, and suffer the horror and ignominy till Trident is finally and gloriously unleashed and the whole apocalyptic mess is once more returned to the cabbages and the cows.