Quiz

Who's heard of American TV quiz show Jeopardy? It's like a normal quiz show except instead of being sensible and answering the questions like a standard human being you have to pretend you're insane and preface your answers with the words "who is" or "what is", as though it makes even one molecule of difference.

Anyways, I thought it might be fun to celebrate the birthdays of Kahlil Gilbran, Terry Venables, and Scott Baio with a specially-devised round. The category is "Animals" and your time...starts...NOW!

1. I was getting my hair cut when I dropped a pair of scissors into a cat's head (win either a 7" EP of steel drum music or $100, whichever has the lesser value)

2. I accidentally went to Greece for two weeks forgetting I'd left my friend's dog in the trunk of my car ($200 worth of shoelaces)

3. I lost a tug of war with a kitten in front of a live studio audience (300 movie poster, photo of)

4. After backing over my new lover's dog I tried to hide the evidence by burning its body and when that didn't work I was forced to pretend it was some barbecued turkey and eat a bit (win some barbecued turkey)

5. I had a heart attack while taking my precious monkeys to be baptised and a boiled egg came out of my mouth (500 boiled eggs)

6. I was mistakenly taken to monkey hell because I was standing in the ape enclosure wearing a gorilla suit when death came calling (600 rupees)

7. I ran over my friend's friend's dog while on my way to buy some scratchcards in a stolen Jag and won a tenner (700 scratchcards)

8. I listened to a man rotate a weasel while he was hidden behind a duvet with cat dirt on it (800 big ones)

9. I'm sweaty and I like gin (nothing)

10. Whenever there's a fight between a radio-controlled sex falcon and a criminally insane hover lobster I always interrupt before someone wins (if you get this one right you unfortunately lose everything you or anyone else has thus far won)

There you go! Lots of chances to win some life-changing prizes. Don't worry about answering the questions in the prescribed style; I think we'll be able to figure it out.

Good luck! :-)